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Archive for the ‘Mind’ Category

I’ve recently vowed to keep a diary of my experiences in healing, mediation and Qi Gong. So, I’ll catch up and then continue as inspired.

Last week, while I meditated, energy from the earth came into my body from my feet. Just below the ball of my big toe, it felt very hot. At the same time, energy from the sky came into my body from my head. I had a great sense that the earth energy was Yin and the sky energy was Yang. I was curious as to what would happen when the two energies met in my body. I calmly observed. As they met in the lower abdomen area, they twined around each other like a DNA helix and moved up my spine in this manner.

Yesterday, I woke up depressed…for no apparent reason. When I learned that Sri Daya Mata passed, I understood clearly that I felt her passing energetically. Oddy enough, I loved her but was not so attracted to her. I sobbed the entire day for her passing. I felt forcefully urged to meditate. As I did, I felt incredible peace and silence, emptiness and fullness at the same time. I, then, felt a hand press on my shoulder and stay there during the rest of the meditation. Om. Jai Guru. Jai Ma.

Today, during my standing meditation, I felt compelled to practice my Qi Gong. As I exhaled the breath and move energy from the Dan Tien area into the reproductive organs, unconciously my pelvis tilted under and as the energy moved down and through the perineum to the coccyx and up, my pelvis tilted back. As the energy moved up the spine, the rib cage expanded and as it retreated down the spin through the front of the body, the ribcage contracted. This movement continued through breath and circulation of the energy. It seemed sexual to me as it almost mimicked the pelvic movement in sex. I don’t think this coincidental. I think that sexual union is spiritual in nature, creating union spiritually and physically when conception occurs. When having sex, then, it would make sense to open the chakras and mind to God.

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Hello dear friends. I know some of you were wondering what happened to me. It’s been so long since I posted anything. Truth is that I got so incredibly busy with work that I didn’t take the time for my experiment. At first I felt guilty about this, but now I’ve come to terms with it. I wanted to see where this experiment would take me, and I’ve found out that if you really take the time to listen to what’s inside of you and connect with YOU, then the rest of your life will fall into place. I am the happiest I’ve been in my life. I am happy with my work, massage and graphic design. I took the risk and honored myself and who I am-it has been the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself.

I had a talk recently with my mom, and what I realized is that sometimes we, as humans, may get scared, or angry or full of emotions. But to act in a way that is best for us, regardless of these feelings, is true bravery, and what we must do to live a more fulfilled life. Emotions are incredible and let us learn about ourselves, where are boundaries are and reveal our capacity for love and empathy. However, emotions are just emotions and can hinder us if we let them control our lives and choices.

For instance, many love a partner who is abusive and withstand enormous pain because they are giving power to that love, rather than caring for themselves. Or we feel scared to face the unknown, to take a risk and really pursue our dreams, so we work a job that makes us feel miserable. Or we never take that art class because we are afraid of failure, and we never truly live life to its fullest. The truth is that while these emotions may be valid…they may hinder our growth and happiness.

And of course, the flip side is that emotions can keep us safe, when we are really in danger. Fear will stop us from making dangerous choices like going for a walk alone at midnight in a gang infested neighborhood, and anger helps us identify when a boundary has been crossed or violated. Admittedly, we should pay attention to these feelings.

However, it is important to step back from our feelings, even if for just a moment, so we can determine if action needs to be taken. For instance, I want to read my poetry at open mic night at Barnes and Nobles. I’m terrified! Yet, stepping back from that fear, I know that reading my poetry will be beneficial for me. Sharing my writing is important to me, and it could open door to opportunities, friendships and it could help someone who is listening to my reading. So, I will do it regardless of my fear.

Life, love and happiness.

Namaste.

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Ahh. The Triple Goddess Experiment. A way to survive pain, depression and fear. Security, love and hope in a world that felt painful and over whelming. I have neglected you dear friend as I have enjoyed the manifestations of my hard work. Work has at times been all-consuming, but fun and rewarding. As I enjoy the creativity and artistry in graphic design, I also have been enjoying healing through massage, energy work and soon…micro current therapy. I am honoring both sides of myself…the artist and the healer.

Next, I am going to reincorporate poetry into my life as I start to present my poetry in open mic sessions at the local Barnes and Nobles. I will start writing again for the love it, and not the desire to complete a project or to make money. Do it because to not do it is to ignore a part of my soul. I am so excited for this next step in my life. I am reclaiming it, you know. My life is becoming mine again. Or maybe for the first time. Or maybe just the next time.

I wrote this piece after I left my ex-husband 7 years ago. A recurring theme, though this time it has nothing to do with a man, but realizing the power to do anything is inside of me. Maybe I should write a poem today called The Power in Me. Ha.

The Republic of Me

My life is for me now.
Your domination has taught me the lesson
learned for endless generations.
The revolution festered in doubt for so many years,
an uprising- a test of independence.
A retreat.
A surrender.
But when the day of reckoning came,
It was swift.

A recognition of power and
an acknowledgement of self.

you have been dethroned.
you are not my God.
you are not my King.
you have been replaced by
The Republic of Me.

__
Namaste.

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What do I write when everything is going well? They always say that drama and tragedy fuels creativity. Well, screw that. I’m not having things turn to shit again so I can get creative. Looks like I need to take this experiment to another level, and push myself out of the complacency I feel with meditation and yoga. Why not commit more?

Yeah, like actually order the Self-Realization Fellowship lessons again, or start meditating in a group setting, at least once in a while. Reach out into the world a little more and teach what I know, or take a new class. Cheryl had told me to start learning something new, that it would help cement changes I’m trying to make in my brain, and I think it’s time. Maybe another screenplay class, a writing group, or even learn new software for editing or even Adobe Illustrator. The idea of a writing group kinda sounds thrilling though I’m not sure I’d be learning anything new. A photography class would be great.

But you see what I’m getting at. Complacency is boring. There is so much to do in life. How can anyone ever get bored? Oh yeah, they’re complacent. Well, not me! No way. Now, the thing that I have to figure out is how to not be complacent but still give myself kudos for what I do.

Ah, shit. I’m thinking way too much about all of this.

I think I’ll meditate.

Namaste.

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161 days to drastically change your life. That’s how long it took. Okay, I don’t have the castle in Scotland yet or the dog named Chummy, but signing a 6 month graphic design and video production contract with a company poised to be a major world-wide corporate entity is a major step in the right direction. Yah, that’s what we did tonight. It’s been hard work, some fourteen hour days, but it’s worth it.

And last Sept 20, when I started this Triple Goddess Experiment, I had quit my major source of income, a job I drastically hated, and worked part-time caring for my friend’s daughter. I took slack and judgment from friends and non-friends for the bold move I made, but I just knew I needed to make room for my dreams to come into my life. Then, things got tough with that part-time job, and finances got even tougher. I was at times depressed and miserable, but I kept up the experiment. I meditated every day, practiced my yoga, and completed assignment after assignment from my coach, Cheryl Squiers of Become a Lotus. It has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done.

And I’m still doing it. Because this isn’t a fad or an experiment anymore, it’s a way of life. Although, there are days when I don’t get a chance to post a blog and days when I still struggle, I have drastically changed my thought patterns. Having success, of course, will help continue to snowball these positive thoughts into more positive thoughts.

I can see my dreams and a more concrete plan for achieving them more clearly. This website will have the kind of exposure designers can only dream of. It will open many doors for us. Our video production work will be up front and center on this homepage. The potential is huge, and this will help me really follow this direction in my career. Yeah, I still want to write and direct and make stories. I’ve taken the first giant step on this ladder towards that goal.

So, I’m keepin’ on keepin’ on. This blog’s for you Holly.

Namaste.

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I felt like Samantha from Bewitched. Last night, after I grumbled in my blog about needing to find the impetus for this blog experiment, I sat down and meditated. I cracked my knuckles, rolled my shoulders back, cracked my neck to the left, then to the right. I sniffled. Empty your mind. Concentrate, concentrate. I focused on my third eye.

Yogananda, I’m back. I’m done punishing you for sending me a boy with an elephant head to save me from evil spirits instead of coming yourself. It really pissed me off that you sent someone else to do the dirty work, but I’ll meditate again, and aren’t you sorry I stopped meditating for a few days? I mean that must’ve really pissed you off, right? Concentrate. Breathe. The breath. So, Yogananda, could you protect me in this meditation please? I really could use a bouncer here. I’ve been dreaming about evil spirits and shit all week.

Okay. Stop thinking Kimmy. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Click.

What the fuck was that? I peeked an eye open. Did my computer shut off. Nope. What was that? I looked to my cable/DVR box. It was shut off. Hey, I didn’t do that. I just shut the TV off with the remote like always, but not the cable box.

“Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!”

Oh my fucking GOD! Did I do that?! What the hell. I meant my brain, not the God damned cable box! I threw my head back and shrieked in laughter.

Then, I looked at it the cable box real hard. I whispered, “Turn on. Turn on. Turn on.”

Nothing.

I blinked my eyes.

Nothing.

I took my finger and wiggled my nose. Turn on.

Nothing.

Turn the fuck back on you piece of shit!

Nothing.

Son of a bitch. I closed my eyes again. Yogananda! I mentally stamped my foot. Make it turn back on! I felt like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Nothing.

Then it hit me right across my magical forehead. Nothing.

Nothing is what I want when I meditate. I’m always looking for that next gimmick to prove to myself that I’m so advanced and oh so spiritual. But meditation isn’t about tricks and magic, it’s about emptying the cup. It isn’t about the click of self-realization, but is about allowing yourself to be empty enough so that realization doesn’t happen, but is. Aristotle believed that every thing and one is in the process of becoming, and while I can understand this concept, it takes the future into consideration. It is waiting for something better. It’s waiting for the Cable Box to turn back on, when it doesn’t really matter.

What matters is the moment. The only one you have. And the peace and beauty in its nothingness.

Namaste.

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7 months into my Triple Goddess Experiment, and I come back to something that my coach told me when I started-“If you are experiencing a lack of money, it is because you are blocking it.” I recognize the truth in this as I recognize that this pertains to all things, not just money.

I felt tired this morning, exhausted even, and when I took a moment to meditate, it became apparent to me that I’d been blocking my connection to God. For example, imagine our connection to God is a highway. My highway to God has been a one way road, and I’ve been buying my thoughts and desires a one-way ticket down that road sending them to God. Putting the little mind in the big mind and all that. One road out of my mind with no way into it. Energy from God cannot enter into me if there is no road for it to travel. Nothing can; so, if I don’t either build another highway or turn the one that’s there into a two-way street, then I stay depleted. I need to receive and let the big mind enter into the little mind. I must work on a connection to God that goes both ways. I’ve always been a better giver than receiver, but to truly experience God, I must bring her and all she offers into my life. I must learn to receive ALL that she has to offer.

So, I’ll be working on some visualizations of a beautiful path made of light and crystal that leads from God to me. I will see God’s greatest gifts passing along this path and entering into my Auric field, energy, and mind. I will see them filling me up, and I will express gratitude for them. So it is.

Namaste.

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