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Posts Tagged ‘art’

Day 3 of massaging. My body is feeling great, and my attitude is much improved. I went to work early today and practiced yoga for 45 minutes before massaging, and when I was through, I jumped in the hot tub for 10 minutes. I’m eating on the zone, taking vitamins and other herbal supplements. I am starting to feel like myself again. Ya know, I missed me.

This is all an integral step in creating the life I want. It’s like if I can regain what I lost before all my injuries, then I feel like I can move forward. And it feels so great to heal. I massaged a woman today who I had massaged regularly years ago. I had suggested she get checked by a doctor for some particular issues in her back, and her doctor was impressed that I had noticed what was wrong. She is being monitored by him every six months. We never know the positive effect we have on people, and for me it is so satisfying to help others like this. I make people feel better, less stressed and occasionally, help them through severe medical problems. Most often, I relieve pain in their bodies. I love healing.

Like I said yesterday, my next step is to heal through art. It’s funny. An old man whom I had massaged had told me that I was a healer but that I didn’t realize it yet. He felt that one day I would become a great healer and change lives. I’m there. I realize and recognize my gifts; he was right.

I am a healer, and I’m proud.

Namaste.

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It’s odd how working gives me a much greater sense of self-esteem. Actually, nix that. It’s incredible how much better I feel after working a job that expresses who I am.

The two words, artist and healer, are nouns that express two distinct aspects of myself. Through much hard work during the last four and a half months, I realize that I must express both of these aspects of myself to be truly happy. I started my new job yesterday as a massage therapist, and felt overwhelming joy knowing that I am helping these people feel better, whether it’s simply through relaxation or by helping their bodies heal. I left work with a little cash in my pocket, and I didn’t feel as if I had to sell my soul to get it. Leaving the bar was a correct step in healing my own life. Accepting work as a massage therapist again, is the correct step in helping to bring my life closer to how I envision it.

But what about my art? I have always loved the arts- theater, song, dance, painting, writing- but I never knew, really knew what I wanted to do with this passion. My mother always encouraged me to pursue the arts because I loved it, which is reason enough, I suppose, for most people, but I always felt that there was something missing for me in this reasoning. I never felt it was expressing the entirety of who I am.

I believe true art expresses the voice of the artist and elicits an emotion and change in the person who hears that voice. Reflecting on the last four and a half moths, I realize that my art is meant to heal. My greatest wish, then, is to integrate healing into my art. Commercial art is great- it helps pay the bills- but to heal through my art would be profound. Although healing in itself is also an art, my desire is to ultimately heal through my writing, film, song, painting and dance.

Integrating these aspects of myself must be the purpose of my life. I know that know. Massaging and energy healing is a strong step in expressing who I am, but like commercial art, does not integrate these aspects. Each step I take in my future, then, will be to bring healing into my art.

This will be my greatest joy in my life. This is my impetus for all that I do.

This is my vision.

Namaste.

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Today, I worked for probably 6 hours on music with Bryan, writing lyrics for a new Christmas song.  I had a very difficult time stopping, even though I was starving and getting way too much inside my own head.  I felt upset to stop and take a break.  I didn’t want to tear myself away from the work, but Bryan insisted as he knew I needed to eat and get fresh air, do my yoga and exercise. 

When I get in this creative zone, nothing else exists except the creation.  It’s as if the world stops and the only thing that exists is the creation and me.  I realized today that I love being in this zone, but it is hard to acclimate back to “normal” life.  Once I stop, I retain what I am doing for hours and hours, and today, unfortunately, I suffered a major headache from it. 

Bryan took me to eat and then we went to the park and while we waited for tennis courts, I did my yoga.  It, of course, helped ground me and pull me out of my mind and into my body a little more.  I felt better for it,  experiencing a much more balanced feeling. 

So, I feel conflicted, I love this artistic experience of being in the zone, but at the same time I end up  feeling lousy if I don’t set the boundaries with myself and eat and get exercise.  If Bryan wouldn’t have been here, I would have done nothing else but the writing, but would have felt entirely miserable. 

It seems that I wrote about this sort of experience before, and so I guess I’m realizing that this is an issue that returns itself.  Somehow, I need to accept this part of my artistic experience…accept it and screw everything else. Well, I really am not sure, but I will meditate on it…

after I finish the song.

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