Posts Tagged ‘become a lotus’

What do I write when everything is going well? They always say that drama and tragedy fuels creativity. Well, screw that. I’m not having things turn to shit again so I can get creative. Looks like I need to take this experiment to another level, and push myself out of the complacency I feel with meditation and yoga. Why not commit more?

Yeah, like actually order the Self-Realization Fellowship lessons again, or start meditating in a group setting, at least once in a while. Reach out into the world a little more and teach what I know, or take a new class. Cheryl had told me to start learning something new, that it would help cement changes I’m trying to make in my brain, and I think it’s time. Maybe another screenplay class, a writing group, or even learn new software for editing or even Adobe Illustrator. The idea of a writing group kinda sounds thrilling though I’m not sure I’d be learning anything new. A photography class would be great.

But you see what I’m getting at. Complacency is boring. There is so much to do in life. How can anyone ever get bored? Oh yeah, they’re complacent. Well, not me! No way. Now, the thing that I have to figure out is how to not be complacent but still give myself kudos for what I do.

Ah, shit. I’m thinking way too much about all of this.

I think I’ll meditate.



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161 days to drastically change your life. That’s how long it took. Okay, I don’t have the castle in Scotland yet or the dog named Chummy, but signing a 6 month graphic design and video production contract with a company poised to be a major world-wide corporate entity is a major step in the right direction. Yah, that’s what we did tonight. It’s been hard work, some fourteen hour days, but it’s worth it.

And last Sept 20, when I started this Triple Goddess Experiment, I had quit my major source of income, a job I drastically hated, and worked part-time caring for my friend’s daughter. I took slack and judgment from friends and non-friends for the bold move I made, but I just knew I needed to make room for my dreams to come into my life. Then, things got tough with that part-time job, and finances got even tougher. I was at times depressed and miserable, but I kept up the experiment. I meditated every day, practiced my yoga, and completed assignment after assignment from my coach, Cheryl Squiers of Become a Lotus. It has been the toughest thing I’ve ever done.

And I’m still doing it. Because this isn’t a fad or an experiment anymore, it’s a way of life. Although, there are days when I don’t get a chance to post a blog and days when I still struggle, I have drastically changed my thought patterns. Having success, of course, will help continue to snowball these positive thoughts into more positive thoughts.

I can see my dreams and a more concrete plan for achieving them more clearly. This website will have the kind of exposure designers can only dream of. It will open many doors for us. Our video production work will be up front and center on this homepage. The potential is huge, and this will help me really follow this direction in my career. Yeah, I still want to write and direct and make stories. I’ve taken the first giant step on this ladder towards that goal.

So, I’m keepin’ on keepin’ on. This blog’s for you Holly.


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Well, my coach, Cheryl Squiers, quit on me- but my mother, Cheryl Squiers, is back. I have mixed feelings about it. It was a big decision when I asked my mother, a Law of Attraction Teacher, Coach and Speaker, to coach me. We’ve had a past in which I always felt like I couldn’t live up to her expectations-she was the perfect stage mom. I become very guarded and defensive around her. She felt she wasn’t a good enough mother, according to me. And I felt I wasn’t a good enough daughter, according to her. Over the years, we have both worked on our selves, self-esteem, and tools to take care of ourselves. We learned to love ourselves, and since we loved ourselves, we were able to feel each other’s love. I felt that our relationship was finally to the point where I could listen to what she had to teach me.

The experiment was going great for several months, but eventually I started feeling like I was always talking to my coach and not my mother. I began missing her, and our conversations were tense until I finally realized what I was feeling…and I told her. My mother is so incredibly smart, caring, loving and just wonderful. She is a brilliant speaker, a caring coach and an inspiring teacher…but even though she is all of those wonderful things…a girl needs her mom. I needed my mom back. She took a look at how she was acting and felt like she couldn’t turn off the coach with me. She validated how I was feeling. So, she decided to stop coaching me.

So, now the question is, do I find another coach? Or do I coach myself. I have to meditate on this one. I am not sure.

As always, thanks for your support and listening.

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Part of my homework from my coach, Cheryl Squiers, was to pay attention to my thoughts…back to kindergarten. Reminds me of that game “Go to the Head of the CLass.” Fuck, I’m aging myself. So, anyway, here’s a snippet of today:

Yipee, I slept great all night long. I’m grateful for my bed, my car, Bryan, Jimmy, Mama, Robby, Sarah, Cara, and dad, and my new job interview tomorrow…coffee, coffee, so I don’t get a headache. Lucy(name changed to protect all involved) is such a fucking cold-hearted bitch, I should just not show up today, ha, ha. Serve her right. Oh, shit. That’s not what I want ot focus on. Money. Money. rent. I need money for rent. Where? what can I sell, Fuck Ebay sucks these days. I can’t believe she said that to me, but I love the baby. Yeah, fuck her!! Shit I really gained weight these few months, my belly is all bloated again, gotta go poop, why aren’t I going poop? I should take Metamucil, or eat a Cliff bar, or how about spinach everyday, that’ll make me shit. Fuck, I gotta leave, oh no, the tires on my car. Shit. Shut up. Don’t think about it. You’ll get a new job, you’ll pay Rob the money you owe him and get your car fixed. Hey look at me I’m thinking positive today, It’s fucking cold outside, thank God for my red coat. Traffic, which way, shit fucking bitch moved to Santa Monica, I’m not going. Fuck her, suck it up. Kimmy. Remember take care of yourself first. Oh yeah, Oh my God, I got fat. Yah, but you’re still cute and Bryan loves you, yeah, but I still wanna look sexy. Well, then exercise and eat right. Yeah, I really need to eat better. Shit! I am thin, I am thin. Tell her exactly what I think. No, no, you need the money right now. Play it cool. Okay, should get there late, that’d fix her. Karma Kimmy, stop obsessing, I got a job interview, yeah! You are smart and talented, and are smarter than all these fucking assholes in these houses. Why am I in a dinky fucking studio? Because you never expected anything of yourself. How did that happen? Who knows, who cares, just fix it. Okay. I’m great, money money, come to me. I hope Bryan feel better today. I miss him, poor baby. I’m gonna strangle her, how dare she be so cold to me! After everything together! Forget it, forget her.

Okay, so you get the idea, right? I’m obsessed with crazy thoughts. And this was literally all before 7 o’clock in the morning. As the day went on I was able to let go of some of that anger towards “Lucy”, but the rest stayed about the same.


Addendum: Yes, this was a two parter, so apologies to my coach and myself for leaving off the second part of the assignment which was to replace each negative thought with two positive ones. Please see the string of commentary below for further info, instruction and enlightenment on this matter.

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My latest assignment from Cheryl Squiers from Become a Lotus is as follows:

But one of the thing that I want you to do is to spend one hour a day, everyday from now on, pretending that you’re rich. Remember when you were little and you use to play the Wizard of Oz and all the other pretend games you played – it was easy, it was FUN. Well this is going to be fun. You’re going to talk rich, think rich, walk around and pretend you’re rich. You’re going to go to rich stores, rich neighborhoods. When you stay in the mansion, you’re going to pretend that it is yours! You’re going to talk about your money and what you’re going to invest in. You are going to be rich, then you will be able to see what it feels like and when you do, you shall move the heavens and earth and will create yourself as a wealthy wealthy person.
So everyday, from now on, for one hour you will be rich, period.

So, today my brother took me out for a wonderful Christmas dinner at a very nice restaurant. I took the opportunity and dressed up-wore my Burberry trench coat (it retails for $1200). I feel rich in that coat, that’s for sure, so I thought it would be a great opportunity to practice feeling rich. I ordered exactly what I wanted on the menu and didn’t worry about the price (thanks again Rob). Feeling rich makes me feel powerful, like I can do anything. It also makes me feel like I have more options in my life. So, tomorrow, I’ll practice some more.

Happy Holidays-Namaste.

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Vision Boards
If you want to learn how to make your own vision board, I highly recommend this site:
How to make your Own Vision Board

It took me 2 months or more to get my vision board finished and believe me folks, this is not how long it needs to take. You will only need a few hours…tops. However, two months is merely reflective of how long it could take if you procrastinate for whatever reason. My reason was because completing the board is good for me, and I seem to be wanting to resist positive change. It’s good for me? Then screw it, I’ll put it off, so I can get away with all my grand, destructive behaviour…heh, heh. Now, pass the bag of Fritos and let me wallow in the thoughts of why I can’t do all the things I want to do. Crunch, crunch.

The first board reflects my life as a professional writer. I live in a beautiful old, home…very castle-like, if not an actual castle…that over-looks the sea from a cliff. Bryan and I live there with our two dogs. I write from this home and create the magic that resides in my stories…and earn a great living!

The second one reflects the excellent health of my body. I dance often, hike, surf and do yoga…all the things that make me feel happy!

While I was making the boards, I felt incredibly focused. It forced me to make decisions on what I want and frankly, what I don’t want…though I kept my mind focused on the postive aspect of that dilemma. Focusing on what I don’t want is never a good idea, or so I’m learning from Cheryl Squiers, my coach. We can acknowledge it, but not dwell on it.

I have hung both boards on the wall by the bathroom, so when I have to go…there they are. Believe me, the way I go, I should be looking at them at least 12 times a day! OY VAY!

Any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask or comment. Thank you and as always,

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Haphazard blog writing is not what I intended when starting this experiment. My commitment to this blog and myself is intended as a daily exercise to change my life, in whichever ways come to me, through working the Law of Attraction, yoga, meditation and blog writing. At its worst, it is challenging and frightening and at its best, positively life altering. Which is why I’ve been at a loss without the use of my computer for two days. Regardless of which, I continue in faith that ultimately I will come out better for it.

Without the use of my computer for 2 days, it has felt like a part of me is missing, which ultimately, I suppose, is a good sign. It means that writing my blog has become a habit…which is what Cheryl of Become a Lotus has stressed so much in working with me. She says that when trying to change our thoughts to better ones that will work with what we want for our lives, we must create a habit of thinking in the new way. This takes a full month to create a habit of doing something, and that we have to remain consistent everyday with the changes we are implementing. It is great, then, to learn that my blog writing has indeed reached this status. It shows me that if I can create a habit of this, then I can of anything.

It also helps me realize that if I feel the absence of writing my blog, that I would feel the absence of yoga, affirmations, and meditation, as well, if I were to stop, because they too must be habit now. After so much consistent hard work and at times sacrifice to other parts of my life, I feel relieved to know that I have induced change that I wanted to when I first started all of this. I am looking forward to seeing all of the hard work I’ve done manifest itself in my physical world.


p.s. To my regular readers, I’ve finally fixed my computer. There was a corruped file in my searchindexer.exe, so i finally just disabled it. Windows Vista…gotta love it.

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