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Posts Tagged ‘energy’

I felt like Samantha from Bewitched. Last night, after I grumbled in my blog about needing to find the impetus for this blog experiment, I sat down and meditated. I cracked my knuckles, rolled my shoulders back, cracked my neck to the left, then to the right. I sniffled. Empty your mind. Concentrate, concentrate. I focused on my third eye.

Yogananda, I’m back. I’m done punishing you for sending me a boy with an elephant head to save me from evil spirits instead of coming yourself. It really pissed me off that you sent someone else to do the dirty work, but I’ll meditate again, and aren’t you sorry I stopped meditating for a few days? I mean that must’ve really pissed you off, right? Concentrate. Breathe. The breath. So, Yogananda, could you protect me in this meditation please? I really could use a bouncer here. I’ve been dreaming about evil spirits and shit all week.

Okay. Stop thinking Kimmy. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Click.

What the fuck was that? I peeked an eye open. Did my computer shut off. Nope. What was that? I looked to my cable/DVR box. It was shut off. Hey, I didn’t do that. I just shut the TV off with the remote like always, but not the cable box.

“Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!”

Oh my fucking GOD! Did I do that?! What the hell. I meant my brain, not the God damned cable box! I threw my head back and shrieked in laughter.

Then, I looked at it the cable box real hard. I whispered, “Turn on. Turn on. Turn on.”

Nothing.

I blinked my eyes.

Nothing.

I took my finger and wiggled my nose. Turn on.

Nothing.

Turn the fuck back on you piece of shit!

Nothing.

Son of a bitch. I closed my eyes again. Yogananda! I mentally stamped my foot. Make it turn back on! I felt like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Nothing.

Then it hit me right across my magical forehead. Nothing.

Nothing is what I want when I meditate. I’m always looking for that next gimmick to prove to myself that I’m so advanced and oh so spiritual. But meditation isn’t about tricks and magic, it’s about emptying the cup. It isn’t about the click of self-realization, but is about allowing yourself to be empty enough so that realization doesn’t happen, but is. Aristotle believed that every thing and one is in the process of becoming, and while I can understand this concept, it takes the future into consideration. It is waiting for something better. It’s waiting for the Cable Box to turn back on, when it doesn’t really matter.

What matters is the moment. The only one you have. And the peace and beauty in its nothingness.

Namaste.

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7 months into my Triple Goddess Experiment, and I come back to something that my coach told me when I started-“If you are experiencing a lack of money, it is because you are blocking it.” I recognize the truth in this as I recognize that this pertains to all things, not just money.

I felt tired this morning, exhausted even, and when I took a moment to meditate, it became apparent to me that I’d been blocking my connection to God. For example, imagine our connection to God is a highway. My highway to God has been a one way road, and I’ve been buying my thoughts and desires a one-way ticket down that road sending them to God. Putting the little mind in the big mind and all that. One road out of my mind with no way into it. Energy from God cannot enter into me if there is no road for it to travel. Nothing can; so, if I don’t either build another highway or turn the one that’s there into a two-way street, then I stay depleted. I need to receive and let the big mind enter into the little mind. I must work on a connection to God that goes both ways. I’ve always been a better giver than receiver, but to truly experience God, I must bring her and all she offers into my life. I must learn to receive ALL that she has to offer.

So, I’ll be working on some visualizations of a beautiful path made of light and crystal that leads from God to me. I will see God’s greatest gifts passing along this path and entering into my Auric field, energy, and mind. I will see them filling me up, and I will express gratitude for them. So it is.

Namaste.

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It’s odd how working gives me a much greater sense of self-esteem. Actually, nix that. It’s incredible how much better I feel after working a job that expresses who I am.

The two words, artist and healer, are nouns that express two distinct aspects of myself. Through much hard work during the last four and a half months, I realize that I must express both of these aspects of myself to be truly happy. I started my new job yesterday as a massage therapist, and felt overwhelming joy knowing that I am helping these people feel better, whether it’s simply through relaxation or by helping their bodies heal. I left work with a little cash in my pocket, and I didn’t feel as if I had to sell my soul to get it. Leaving the bar was a correct step in healing my own life. Accepting work as a massage therapist again, is the correct step in helping to bring my life closer to how I envision it.

But what about my art? I have always loved the arts- theater, song, dance, painting, writing- but I never knew, really knew what I wanted to do with this passion. My mother always encouraged me to pursue the arts because I loved it, which is reason enough, I suppose, for most people, but I always felt that there was something missing for me in this reasoning. I never felt it was expressing the entirety of who I am.

I believe true art expresses the voice of the artist and elicits an emotion and change in the person who hears that voice. Reflecting on the last four and a half moths, I realize that my art is meant to heal. My greatest wish, then, is to integrate healing into my art. Commercial art is great- it helps pay the bills- but to heal through my art would be profound. Although healing in itself is also an art, my desire is to ultimately heal through my writing, film, song, painting and dance.

Integrating these aspects of myself must be the purpose of my life. I know that know. Massaging and energy healing is a strong step in expressing who I am, but like commercial art, does not integrate these aspects. Each step I take in my future, then, will be to bring healing into my art.

This will be my greatest joy in my life. This is my impetus for all that I do.

This is my vision.

Namaste.

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Finally, oh finally, I decided to really get back to meditation and not approach it with one eye open, so to speak. My mind has been so full of worry and stress- I just couldn’t stand that state anymore. So, when I sat cross-legged on the bed and closed my eyes, holding my two crystals, I begged for God. For a long time I told God how much I wanted him/her. Then, it came to me to meditate on love, so I thought of everyone I love on this earth and held that in my consciousness. Suddenly it dawned on me to pour that love into my own being. So, I imagined it spiraling itself down into my body around my spine and from there spreading itself into the rest of me. I sat quietly like that for some time. Then, I thought I was going to fall asleep, like I was nodding off, so I resisted going into that state. Finally, I couldn’t resist it anymore, but instead of falling asleep, it was like I woke up. My senses were heightened and everything was more alive. An incredible peace filled my being, warm and so loving, and I thought, “Oh, thank God!…Home.”

Namaste.

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`Let’s go see Avatar in 3-D Imax. I’ll treat, popcorn and everything. With a gentle shrug of my shoulders, I think “Sounds like a deal and a chill day.” Ok. So Bryan and I go to the three o’clock showing. Sold out. The next available show time is 7 pm. Want tickets for that. Honey? Don’t honey me, you decide, I tell him. Let’s do it. Ok, cool. He buys the tickets and we’ve got 4 hours to kill.

Thing is folks, I’d kill 8 hours to see it. Days. I’ve been waiting for this movie my whole life. Never have I been so lost in a world. Never have I wanted to desperately stay in a world different from my own. The world that James Cameron creates is a cross between The Wizard of Oz, The Garden of Eden, and honestly, the world from my meditations. It is the world I crave and miss, and where I want to live. A world where everything is connected through a web of energy, and a world where life and spirit are loved and respected.

I sobbed for 5 minutes on Bryan’s chest when it was through. My breath was stolen from my body, and I haven’t retrieved it yet. Never have I been so moved and affected by a film.

Please, please, please, I beg you to go see this movie. All of you. It is spiritual, emotional, and honest.

Namaste.

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Have you ever  felt like a slug? I don’t mean squishy; I mean lazy, unable to really move and go through your day with energy and, even, effectiveness?  It seems that whatever I try to do today, I just want to lay back in bed and do nothing.  It’s been a day of lethargy as I try to catch up on rest from visiting with company and the holiday.  The strange thing, though, is I don’t feel rested in the slightest bit. I am, however, going through the motions, or lack of them anyway.  I’m trying to release my expectations of instant gratification, because, frankly, I’ve been resting most the day and I am still exhausted.  I’m hoping this is like meditation- I may not feel it working, but  it is regardless of whether I’m conscious of it or not.  All in all, I’m letting myself rest and taking care of myself as needed. 

Overall,  I think I have lived in the present today, not putting too much focus on tomorrow or the days after and honestly, not really even thinking about the past. I’ve been content , maybe more like a bug in my rug.  My phone battery ran out this morning and my charger is at my brother’s house, a half and hour away.  Though I feel a bit isolated, I also feel a little happy to not have to pay attention to a text or phone call.  It’s been all about what I want or need at any given moment, and that feels good.

So, today I am simply grateful for living in the moment.  I am content and happy as I am.  It’s okay to be tired and need rest.  It was a hell of a great week, and this is way better than getting sick because I don’t pay attention to what I need.  Being in touch with what I need and want is becoming increasingly easier as I continue to work this Triple Goddess Experiment.  As I learn to let go of thoughts that are extraneous, the more I am able to listen to myself and give myself what I need.  So, on that note, I really need to get my yoga and meditation done for today. Namaste.

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God Is There.

Please check out the above blog link “God is There”.  It is wonderful to find other people who are experiencing similar things that I am,  real people who don’t pretend to be perfect and have it all together but are finding inspiration, joy, love and God through meditation and are excited about it. 

It is important for those of us who are on a path of creating a better life for ourselves to share our experiences- our inspiration and our struggles with the path.  It is important, while putting myself out there in blogoshere, to be relatable and approachable.  I am no guru-there are real and wonderful gurus in the world…Jesus, Yogananda, Amma and others.  What I can do, however,  is to share my experiences and hopefully inspire others to better their own lives so they can be happy and find the joy that I have. 

Sometimes, people may feel like they must meditate perfectly or be an expert in yoga or do the  Law of Attraction perfectly and if they can’t then it is of no use to do any of them.  I felt this way for a while in my own life, because I was a perfectionist! If I can’t be the best or perfect, then it is of no use.  This thinking stemmed from low self-esteem.  Here is what I think about that now:

Yoga is a practice.  Benefits come from practicing it not being an expert at it.  It is in the everyday doing of it that is important not the level. 

Meditation, too, is a practice.  We gain the benefits of it from doing it even once! Even if our mind is in turmoil and can’t be shut off.  Even if our backs ache and we struggle with feeling comfortable.  When a person meditates, the intention is set.  The very act of doing it works on us.  Jamme Chantler wrote this in a comment to my blog titled “Another day in doing the do and trusting”.

“As I like to relate everything to things that Yogananda said, and since he did address almost every aspect of life, I wanted to mention here what he says about the dryness one often feels in meditation. What he said is particular to kriya yoga, the technique he was commissioned to spread to spiritual ready in the West, but it applies to all meditation. He said that by practicing meditation, an individual is gradually magnetizing the spine, with the muladhara chakra (at the coccyx) being the negative pole and the energy center between the eyebrows (the third eye) being the positive pole. When we feel nothing in meditation, no results, this is when we are 1. gradually magnetizing the spine, and 2. creating the good habit of meditation that will eventually carry us through the most difficult times in our life. While magnetizing the spine is most efficiently done by using a technique like kriya yoga which causes our prana to revolve around the spine which brings about gradual and continual evolution of our consciousness and understanding, even the basic techniques like prayer and chanting will help. For more information about kriya yoga and how it works with your body’s energy to evolve your sense of who you are, read chapter 26 entitled Kriya Yoga in Paramahansa Yogananda’s Autobiography of a Yogi.”

Finally, the Law of Attraction works whether we conciously work it or not.  It is a Law of how the universe operates.  So, to do nothing, one is working it.  The point is to try to use it for our own benefit, so we can manifest what we want in our lives.  It is about learning to reprogram our thoughts so we can experience optimum happiness.  Just being aware of what one is thinking already helps immensely because it is then that we may begin to change.  This change, too, is a process.  The outcome that we are looking for…a nice home, a new career, a slimmer body… is just a reaction to our thinking.  What we have in our lives now is just a reaction and product to thoughts we’ve had.  Every moment is a new opportunity to create a different life.  This is never despair and there is always hope in using The Law of Attraction.  Believe it our not, it is your attitude about a thing that is important,  not the thing itself, and an attitude may always be changed.

I appreciate your comments.  They inspire me so much! if you have any questions about my process, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Blessings to you all and as always, Namaste.

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