Posts Tagged ‘pain’

Hello dear friends. I know some of you were wondering what happened to me. It’s been so long since I posted anything. Truth is that I got so incredibly busy with work that I didn’t take the time for my experiment. At first I felt guilty about this, but now I’ve come to terms with it. I wanted to see where this experiment would take me, and I’ve found out that if you really take the time to listen to what’s inside of you and connect with YOU, then the rest of your life will fall into place. I am the happiest I’ve been in my life. I am happy with my work, massage and graphic design. I took the risk and honored myself and who I am-it has been the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself.

I had a talk recently with my mom, and what I realized is that sometimes we, as humans, may get scared, or angry or full of emotions. But to act in a way that is best for us, regardless of these feelings, is true bravery, and what we must do to live a more fulfilled life. Emotions are incredible and let us learn about ourselves, where are boundaries are and reveal our capacity for love and empathy. However, emotions are just emotions and can hinder us if we let them control our lives and choices.

For instance, many love a partner who is abusive and withstand enormous pain because they are giving power to that love, rather than caring for themselves. Or we feel scared to face the unknown, to take a risk and really pursue our dreams, so we work a job that makes us feel miserable. Or we never take that art class because we are afraid of failure, and we never truly live life to its fullest. The truth is that while these emotions may be valid…they may hinder our growth and happiness.

And of course, the flip side is that emotions can keep us safe, when we are really in danger. Fear will stop us from making dangerous choices like going for a walk alone at midnight in a gang infested neighborhood, and anger helps us identify when a boundary has been crossed or violated. Admittedly, we should pay attention to these feelings.

However, it is important to step back from our feelings, even if for just a moment, so we can determine if action needs to be taken. For instance, I want to read my poetry at open mic night at Barnes and Nobles. I’m terrified! Yet, stepping back from that fear, I know that reading my poetry will be beneficial for me. Sharing my writing is important to me, and it could open door to opportunities, friendships and it could help someone who is listening to my reading. So, I will do it regardless of my fear.

Life, love and happiness.



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Why is it that I have my greatest epiphanies in the bathtub?

Ironic since I hated to take a bath when I was a kid. Once mom told me to take a bath-I was six or so. I went in the bathroom, sat there (on the toilet with the lid closed) for a while. I got up, got into my jammies and exited. Mama asked me if I took a bath, and I eagerly replied. “Ye-es!” She went to the tub, touched its sides, and felt up the soap. KIMBERLY ANNE! You get in here and take a bath right now!! Shit, busted! I got smarter after that and wet the tub, the soap AND a wash cloth…until I actually learned to like taking a bath.

So, yes, the epiphany. I know you’re dying to hear this one: you get what you expect. Duh, you say. Well, let me tell you that many people, especially me, learn to turn off the expectation button. Haven’t you ever had an expectation of someone, and then when they let you down, learned NOT to have expectations of that person. Can’t get hurt if you have no expectations. Can’t get let down if you have no expectations. Well, I’m sorry, but FUCK that!

If you have no expectations, you know what you get? SHIT! You get more hurt with no expectations. You have nothing to reach for, nothing to attain, nowhere to go! If we let people off the hook, we get a hell of a lot less than disappointed or let down. We get numb, and we get people in our lives who are substandard to what we need and desire. Sorry, but my needs are important. My desires are important.

From here on out, I EXPECT a great job in which I make great money! I EXPECT great friendships in which people treat me well and with respect. I EXPECT a GREAT life. I deserve it!

Don’t you?

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Today was postapocalyptic.  Yesterday, I slammed into a giant iceberg and started drowning in the cold dark waters of my mind.  Today, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted from such an intense struggle of survival. I am realizing more and more how the physical can affect the mind, and how the mind can affect the physical.  I am ovulating, and I know this has something to do with my mood yesterday. I know I would have felt fear over losing a weeks worth of work last week, but I know my ovulating intensified the experience. Today, my psoas is acting up, and I am having hip pain into my leg, down to my knee and wrapped into my lower back.  I am wondering if this is caused by either the ovulation, or maybe I internalized my mood yesterday. Ok. No maybe. I did internalize my fear yesterday, and perhaps this pain is its manifestation. 

So the cycle would continue because the pain puts me in a pissy mood, except that I just did an hour of yoga and dosed up on Advil.  You see, I am learning to take care of myself…and especially my body.  If I hurt or am hungry or am tired, I don’t function well.  My mind goes to its comfortable place of panic, fear and negativity.  So, the more I can get a hold of my physical health, the better attitude I am able to keep.  Of course, the better attitude I can keep, the better my physical health. 

So, body health first.  That means taking care of what I need to physically, which is eating healthy, exercising, doing my yoga, getting a mammogram and doctor’s checkup and if my new hormonal herbs don’t work, going to the doctor to try to alleviate the peri-menopause symptoms.  Or maybe read Christiane Northrup again.

Think about it for your life.  When my mom was here on vacation, I could see this pattern in her.  When she was tired or hungry, she had a harder time staying positive.  So, let me know. What do you think?

 My Christmas tree! She’s about 3 1/2 feet tall! Isn’t she beautiful?!!

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I woke up this morning, shouted Yipee! Not because I was feeling so wonderful but because it’s part of my Law of Attraction homework that is now becoming a part of my life. However,  as I crawled out of bed, suffering from a Pringle’s and Almond Joy hangover…yes, I ate the entire contents of one can and a whole candy bar, I heard a very distinct “ugh” fly from my lips.  A 40-year-old ugh that threatened to put me in a crappy mood all day.  I hurt.  No, not a headache like yesterday, but I was incredibly stiff.   “Enough of this shit” flew from my lips next, so quickly I found myself a good  yoga video on the Youtube Yogayak channel- it was hatha yoga by Diane.  (Although I did my yoga last night, it was admittedly half-arsed and non-committal.)  Diane’s video was perfect- strength combined with incredible amounts of stretching for my legs and hips.   Anyway, I did the yoga for an hour and when I was in meditation at the end, a very important thought came to me:

I can’t trust my mind.  Then, I can’t trust my emotions.  I can’t trust my body.

Let me explain what that meant for me as that must sound very odd coming from somebody who’s trying to integrate mind/body/spirit.  When I say that I can’t trust my mind, what I mean is that my mind is a product of everything that’s gone before me.  It is limited in its scope and analyzes and tries to figure everything all out, and is often dependent on my emotions and even my body.  Like wise, my emotions can go all wacko, get all fear based and crazy based on my body, my mind and past experiences.  The body, now this is a loaded one for me,  can feel hurt, be sick, and have disease, and is often affected by mind and emotions.  The opposite is the same too.  Pain and hurt and illness affects the mind and emotions.  So, how can I really trust any of it? 

Mind, body and emotions aren’t based on truth.  The Law of Attraction is already showing us that we can manipulate our thoughts to achieve specific outcomes and affect our mind and body.  And of course we can manipulate the body to affect the emotions and mind…like going to the gym to relieve stress, and we can even manipulate emotions to affect our mind and body…like saying yipee every morning!

So what does this mean?  To me, it means that the only thing I can trust and rely on is spirit and the truth meditation brings to me.  It is the purest-it is not dependent on mind, body, emotions.  It is constant, true, and steady.  And this means, that if I am feeling fearful about a financial or any other situation, that I need to bring my attention back to the truth of spirit.  Those fears are not anything I can really trust and believe in.  They are made up, and for those people who would say they are good indicators of action one may need to take, then I say that I would much rather find indicators based on spiritual truths and take according action from that space.  Taking actions based on the workings and trappings of the mind, emotions and body has gotten me into trouble and heart ache my whole life. 

 If my body hurts, am I supposed to believe that this is who I am and let it affect my emotions and mind?  Jesus didn’t do that even when nails were being thrust into his body.  He didn’t believe in the pain of the body.  He believed in God, in spirit and its ever present love.

If I am distraught because of my divorce- for lack of a better example since I’m not married- should I put all my stakes into that emotion?  Is it who I am? No! I am always spirit, constant, pure and love.

So what do we do then? We let ourselves walk through the emotions, or pain and limitations of the mind while all the time knowing that this is not even real and then, let it go.  Letting go is saying that we trust the spirit, not the trappings of everything else.  It is letting truth flow through us.

And let me just say that no one can tell you or me or anyone what truth is.  It is what we each must find through our meditative practice.  How will you or I know what truth is?  Let me just say that there will be no question in your mind when you experience and feel it.  You will recognize.

And this is not to say that I shouldn’t care for my mind, body and emotions.  I’m just saying to hell with trusting them.  Instead, I’m buying stock in my spirit…

and Pringles.


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When I started this Triple Goddess Experiment, I had no idea that meditation would become such an important part of my life.  I knew that I wanted to meditate and that I wanted to be able to do it for long periods of time…like a real yogi.  Afterall, if I could sit for 5 hours in meditation, then I would be in the head of the spiritual echelon. I’d be there, baby.  One with God and everything.  Not like those lowly people who live their whole lives ignorant of their true self.  I’d have the gold star, they’d have nothing.

Yah, pretty egotistical and indicative of what brought me so much pain when I turned 40 and looked at my life and felt devastated.  I compared myself to everyone and everything around me, or at least my fleeting images of them.  I should be there, not here.  I should have this, not that.  I’m not good enough as I am.  I should be at the head of the line, not where I’m at.

Yes, the Law of Attraction is helping me retrain my brain (and I am quite thankful), but what I want to talk about is the effect of meditation on my ego.  When I sit in meditation and am able to feel my connectedness to everyone and everything, it is impossible to feel ego.  My identity doesn’t really even exist at all, it’s like there is one vast sea of love, a pulsing energy, a warmth and light that is everything.  There  is no separation and it doesn’t matter whether I meditate for 2 minutes or 10 or 40 or more because it all just is.  There’s no time attached to it. 

Last night my meditation was like this and did much to help me lose the ego.  I sat meditating, I’d say for about 10 minutes.  Then, I felt an opening up of my conciousness and such an incredible feeling of love and softness.  It was light but filling and expansive, like it never ended.  It had no boundaries.  Then I saw white flowers in my mind’s eye and then my grandmother Mama Lou appeared to me. (She passed away in the early 90’s.)  She told me how much she loved me and that she was always here with me.  She would help me on this path.  I told her I missed her so much and she said that she missed us in our physical forms together but the truth is that she’s always with me.  She said that all of those wonderful experiences that we had when she was on earth were happening right now.  I asked her if Daddy Ralph was there.  (My grandfather who died in ’87).  Then, his energy was there, and though I couldn’t see his face like I could hers, I knew it was him, and he said the same thing she did.  Then, my Uncle Allen (he died last year) came.  At this point, I laughed inside and said what is this, the dead fest?  Then, I received images in my mind’s eye-like he was showing me slides.  He didn’t speak but what I understood from what he showed me was that there is no death, and that death as we, on earth, experience it is an illusion.  That everything exists now together and that we experience it in…layers (for lack of a better word).  He then asked me to tell his daughters how much he loves them and to tell them that he is always with them and that he never really left them.  Then, as I sat in the feeling of this love, it was so incredibly filling and expansive that I felt like my body couldn’t hold it anymore, so I opened my eyes.  I looked at the candle in front of me and thought, if this is what God is, why would anyone ever want anything else.  Then I called my mother and told her my experience and wrote to my cousins to give them their message.  Then I sobbed for 10 minutes from the bliss and the love I felt.

This experience was so personal to me and so strong- it is difficult for me to share it because I don’t want anyone who reads this or hears about this experience to see it as a circus.  A magic trick that happened or that I am a chosen one or more special than another.  I knew while it was happening that what I was experiencing was truth.  There was nothing but love, and it’s not something that only I can experience.  I believe my family chose to come to me rather than someone else in my family only because I provided them the opportunity with my consistent meditative practice.  Also, at the beginning of my meditation I asked God to help my mother handle a crappy situation that happened in her life…it had her dealing with issues of feeling unloved by her father.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they came with a message for her. 

And since then, I feel so humbled, steady and secure, I guess would be the word.  My external situation in my life has seldom been steady in my life- financial lack, family chaos of varying sorts and I think just me feeling uncomfortable in my own adult skin.  Now, after this experience and the cumulative others I’ve had since this experiment has begun, I am feeling like the truth is that all is well.  I am becoming more trusting of life.  I am letting go of my control issues and my ego, and am letting things happen, as I know what and who I am- that incredible expanding love. That pulsing energy.  I am all of that.  Just as you are.  We are really nothing else.

Of course, this inspires me to meditate more because I don’t want to forget this as life happens.  I want to be able to live my life knowing this always.  Imagine the beautiful life I could experience if I could kick my ego in the ass forever and send it into the warm light that I felt.  


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Today is update day.  How’s the yoga going? The meditation? The Law of Attraction?  Committed, remember, to an hour of yoga a day, daily meditation and working assignments from Cheryl Squiers from Become a Lotus.  What about work, money, my health?

So, this is my 36th entry. 

I’ve been doing yoga constantly and consistently except for the past two days…I did it today.  The vertigo stopped that plan, but instead of getting down on myself for it, I made sure I did a lengthy meditation, paid special attention to my Law of Attraction assignments and spent much time living in the now and feeling the bliss of being ME!!

In general, I’m finding that learning how to do a certain series of movements, like the sun salutations, has been extremely helpful since I don’t always have time to go to a class or watch a video at home.  If I arrive somewhere early, I head to a private spot and do my yoga, even if it’s for a half an hour or so. Then, I can also do more at home later.  This way,  I don’t have to chunk out a whole hour during a busy day.  Of course, the days when I can do the whole hour straight, I am quite appreciative since it feels like coming home.  Yoga has become a necessity for me, for my state of mind and physical health.  It’s  a place I can go to and feel the safety and security of me.  It’s expansive and reassuring at the same time. 

Meditation has also given me that same feeling of home that yoga has…of course, perhaps,  because yoga is meditative as well.  Nonetheless, it has also become a priority and necessity.  It’s a place where I can go to feel the flow of life and breath, giving me guidance for when I am just living my life in the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles.  Reminding me who I am so that I can carry that forth in all that I do.  It was scary, at first, with feeling and sensing other presences, but I have learned to protect myself and ask for guidance from Jesus and Yogananda.  I visualize myself in white light and am safe. 

My experience with raising the kundalini has made me hesitate in this area.  I  want to experience Kriya yoga, but will do so under the guidance of a SRF nun, so I can get the proper technique.   When I got the bad headache, it made me realize that this technique is very powerful and needs to be done with brevity and guidance.  I look forward to when io can be initiated into Kriya and truly call Yogananda my guru.

The Law of Attraction has been extremely powerful and, often, quite fun.  Some days I wake up and say, (close your ears kiddies) FUCK! Then immediately I laugh and holler “Yipee! I slept well all night! Thank you God and then list everything I’m grateful for.” This has been the single most powerful thing I’ve done with the Law of Attraction.  It sets my mind in a good place for the whole day and it gets me in an appreciative mood. 

All of the affirmations and visualizations, rewriting my childhood have also been extremely valuable.  And I am grateful for the guidance Cheryl from Become a Lotus has given me.  Days when I didn’t think I could make it… she has been my biggest cheerleader.  But I have neglected one assignment she has given me.

The Vision Board.  Which is odd because I was the most excited for this  assignment.  I have let my life get in the way of this important task, and I must set about it.  So, I will keep you, my readers, updated and please, call me on it.  Write, ask , comment about it.  I would appreciate the support.

Only after 5 weeks, my life is truly changing. 

When I started 5 weeks ago my hips hurt constantly, the pain often unbearable, and I had constant headaches.  As of today, I’ve experienced NO hip pain since the first few days of beginning this experiment except the day after my long trip in the car to the Wing Chun seminar.  (Bryan massaged my psoas, and the pain went bye bye.)  I have periodically experienced headaches, but not as severe.  I think, in general, they’ve been more related to being sick…twice.

The first time, I had gotten a flu after the entire family I nanny for had gotten a flu.  The second has been the last few days…a virus I think with pretty severe vertigo.  Obviously, I’d like to be sick less, but I’ve handled each illness well, just living in the moment and surrendering, while the same time  recognizing that my body is healthy and strong and will feel better when the time is right. 

Right before I had started this experiment, I had quit my miserable job and decided that I would only do things that I love to make money.  I had no money in the bank, but decided to be fearless.  Since then, I have worked as a professional photographer,  found employment at a nurturing Relaxation Studio where I can be myself and help heal people, and gained more work doing graphics…I have paid my bills.  I am truly one thousand percent happier.

So, there’s the update folks.  Thanks for your support, and I’m going to keep on, keep on.

and remember, if I can change my life…you can change yours.


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So, I lay here on my bed giving myself the love, patience and caring I need while I am on my menstrual cycle.  I woke up this morning early with strong cramps and feeling all around miserable.  I was planning on going up to Manhattan Beach early to house sit, but instead of rush, rush, rushing…I’m giving my body what she needs. I’m respecting my menstrual flow and respecting my process of my body

I feel anxiety and tense in my whole body, and I can feel it stemming from this menstruation.    My mind wants to go to places of fear, but I am not letting the thoughts manifest, though I do feel the unease.  It is uncomfortable, enduring this pain and tension…but I know it will pass.  I’m not giving it the power-the power in my life comes from my connection to myself and the knowledge that I am one with all.  From spirit. God. And from my love and connection to all.  Not from hurt, suffering and pain. 

This is a time for me to recognize my connection with the earth and nature.  Afterall, before electricity and “false” light, women used to menstruate with the cycles of the moon.  Yes.  There was a time when women’s bodies were respected as sacred. Women used to menstruate together in a menstruation “huts”, and they allowed old blood, eggs and emotions pass.  They honored their bodies and didn’t try to control mother nature through birth controls.  Nature knew best.  I wonder sometimes where this culture has gotten us and where women’s lib has really helped us.  Denying ourselves in ANY way in unhealthy.  So maybe, just maybe, we can be a doctor, lawyer or Indian chief but also respect the feminine divine. 

So, I accept my femininity, its beauty and divinity.  And it is comforting to know that the discomfort is temporary probably caused from a lifetime of wishing what I considered a “curse” away, and that I just have to walk through it.  I do not need to run or hide or try to avoid this.  I will only attract more of this pain if I do that.  I must embrace my feminine divine, and I give my mind, body and spirit what they need. 

Even if it’s a little chocolate.


For information about natural women’s health, please go to http://www.womentowomen.com. This clinic was co-founded by author of Women’s Bodies Women’s Wisdom, Dr. Christiane Northrup.

To read more about a woman’s menstrual cycle coresponding with the lunar cycle click here or read Starhawk’s The Spiral Dance.

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