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Posts Tagged ‘perfectionism’

So how many of you feel like a failure when you “work” The Law of Attraction and all that you’ve focused on still doesn’t manifest in your life? Yeah, me, me, me, me, me. It’s been four months, and I’m still having crying breakdowns and little money in the bank. And what about you? Have you lost that weight yet or gotten that promotion? Have you attracted the love of your life?

Sometimes I think that aspects of The Law of Attraction give me more reason to blame myself for a crappy life. I feel more pressure to be a perfectionist and have it all together. Man, everyone can see how much I hate myself because I am not living my dreams. It’s all my fault I’m in this predicament. Does this ring true for any of you?

What I do love about The Law of Attraction is that it gives us our power back and God knows that we haven’t had power over our lives for a long time. Church and religion manipulated our very thoughts; oppression and fear will do that. You mean I can change my life? GOODY! The problem, however, is for those of us who are perfectionists and give it our all and are still coming up short. I give myself an A+ for effort, and a D on the mid-term, and I blame myself for all my misery, which makes me more miserable.

So what does this mean?

It means that the purpose in working The Law of Attraction isn’t to get all the shit you ever wanted. It isn’t to look at what you have attracted or not attracted as a measure of success. As a matter of fact, all that’s a bunch of bull shit. Judging yourself and being hard on yourself will simply take you further away from your true essence. The importance of working The Law of Attraction is that it allows you to have a better life along the way to your destination. There are several aspects of working The Law of Attraction that will help you be happier. Period.

Positive thinking and affirmations will shift your thinking. According to The Law of Attraction this will allow you to attract things in your life that match the energetic vibration of your thoughts. However, it will also allow you to enjoy the present moment. It is hard to be unhappy when you choose to think more positively. So, don’t do it for the future and what you will have. Do it for the NOW. That is all we have anyway. Further, when we think in a more positive way, we will react to any crap that does come our way in a manner that brings us more lightheartedness than heart ache. It is hard to react poorly when we are concentrating in a higher vibrational frequency. And if we do, oh well. Pick yourself up and try try again. We’re in school. We haven’t graduated to guru yet.

Grateful living that embodies the emotion of appreciation will tell the universe that you are abundant and full of wonderful things. This in turn will bring you MORE wonderful things. This is true according to The LOA. Straight up, living with gratitude will humble you and allow you to feel more connected to others. You will find that you will bring much joy to your relationships and they will flourish because people will feel valued. Living with gratitude fills your life with love.

As you start to think about what you do want in your life and work with all your gusto to attract it into your life with all the techniques I’ve talked about or others have shown you, you will come in contact with your passions and your true self. You will begin to focus on your greatest purpose. There is no time that you are closer to your true essence as when you are living your true purpose and expressing your honest self. Be prepared, however. It might not be what you thought it was. Be flexible to discover your truth. It is not an act of becoming that purpose, but in uncovering and revealing that true-self. This is the true beauty.

So, yes. I have been hard on myself for not attracting all that I want in my life yet. I know you are hard on yourself too. We usually are. But blame has no place in working with The Law of Attraction. Working it is not to attract that end desire.

Working The LOA is spiritual, pure and simple. And keep on, keepin on. It’s a way of life.

Namaste.

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I lived my whole life in paralysis. Afraid to act, afraid whatever I did would be the wrong thing. Afraid to fail. Yet, immobility is the antithesis to life- you can’t really live when you’re paralyzed.

But today I realize that living and loving is wonderful, really the greatest that any of us will ever do. While I will reach for my dreams, I will do it knowing that the love that I share with my family and friends will surpass any of that. I can’t fail living if I actually live, and live loving.

I often complicate my life, worrying about this problem or that. I put too much stock into what I do or don’t accomplish and often doubt whether I’m doing the right thing or not. I realize, now, that my life is my creation, and like an artist’s canvas, it may be critiqued by others. But ultimately the art I create is for me. My life is for me.

Namaste.

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Bzzz.  Bzzzz. Bzzz.  I almost wrote, just now, that I don’t know how to relax, but then I realized that this is not really true.  I know how to relax.  I just don’t make the choice to relax on a regular basis.  I’ve been pushing, pushing, pushing with all of my projects.  Even my meditations, yoga and writing the blog is a chore-something that I must accomplish and get done.  I’m not sure I enjoy living like this.

My option of getting a “normal” 9-5  job is not really a realistic option for me.  It’s a lifestyle I abhor.  Art and creativity is my life…and I do love it.  However, yesterday I didn’t stop till after 9 pm, which is a good day…but I lay in bed watching a Christmas special with Bryan feeling antsy.  My legs felt all jittery until I meditated and focused on bringing the energy out of my head and into my legs.

So, I’m pushing, but sometimes I feel like I’m pushing against a brick wall.  I just want success for my projects, and I don’t want to stop until I have it…so where’s my balance.  How do I find it?

Please balance fairy, what do I do?  How do I have everything I want without feeling strung out?

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Exposing one’s own experience, struggles and victories, on one’s path, whatever that path may be takes courage beyond imagination.   I do this on a regular basis, and I am taking a moment to recognize this bravery formally in my blog as I have recently come under emotional attack by one of my brother’s peers.  In addition, I have also noticed that when exposing the “struggle” or my “imperfections” that strong emotions are elicited in others, and they treat me as something of a lost soul. 

It interests me (and admittedly hits my ego a bit) that there are many who feel that if you expose any struggle that you’ve been through that, either,  you are doting on it  Lord no!) or that you are fucked up.  Many people feel the need to project an image of perfection to the world, and indeed if you think about it many of our leaders, spiritual, political etc. do project this image.  They are not allowed to have faults, struggle and be human, for crying out loud.  But I’ll tell you, a true leader will lead by example and to do this effectively a leader must be honest.  People around us benefit by knowing that we are all going through the same bullshit.  Sharing our experiences with others will help them know that they are not alone, that they can overcome adversity and become their greatest selves.  This is the kind of person I want to be. No.  This is the person I am.

Playing the game of perfectionism is a losing battle, and no one benefits.  Love cannot be unconditional if we are not our true selves.  If we do not reveal all that we are, then the love we receive is not complete.   I will not settle for fear of not being good enough.  If people cannot see the beauty in me as I am, then they do not need to be in my life.  I know that there are many who have benefitted from my openness and honesty, and I guess if people think that I don’t have my shit together because of that honesty, it doesn’t really matter. 

And yes, of course, there is a part of me who’s writing this who wants to impress and please everybody, wanting people to think I’m da bomb.  Gracious, no!  Maybe that’s why this guy pissed me off.  Really, though, I will keep being me, keep loving myself and others, and will keep exposing my fallacies.  I don’t need to be any one’s guru.  I don’t need to be the South Bay California girl who’s “perfect” in a cotton candy world of bullshit. 

So, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and oh yeah! I 100% FORGOT to write my blog, do yoga, meditate and do my Law of Attraction yesterday…HA HA.  Not perfect! Apropos, huh?

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So, I’m going to get very real with you all. Gritty. Hard-core.  This experiment’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.  Harder than college.  More difficult than facing that I was sexually abused  when I was a kid and all the work that healing entailed.  Even more challenging than all of those 12-step, self-help programs and meetings I went to.  Though I could sit here and explain why, I’d really be pulling feathers out of you know where.  But I can make a guess.  I can try to better understand what I’m doing here. 

As a young woman, 19 years old to be exact, I started on a path of recovery and self-healing.  It brought me to 12 step programs so I could deal with love addiction.  I became a self-help junkie reading and devouring books like Codependent No More by Melody Beatty and Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.  All of this work was incredibly healing and helpful, but as I look back I think a lot of the work I did on myself was getting in touch with emotional pain and then purging it. And  as the years progressed, I’ve learned to love myself and search for spiritual answers.  Yet it’s almost as if that self-love has been for a part of me- it’s like I’ve sectioned myself off.  There is the higher power spiritual part of Kimmy and the flesh and bones Kimmy.

Loving the spiritual part of myself has been easy.  Everybody loves God or Goddess right?  But what about the flesh and bones Kimmy.  The earth-bound Kimmy?  The one who has to deal with the day-to-day dealings in life…the less than perfect side of me.  The Kimmy who tries like hell to always be perfect and good and pure and can’t accept herself EXACTLY how she is.  The one who lives in a studio apartment and is sometimes a grumpy mess.  The one who feels pain in her hip or feels a little sick to her stomach.  The one who struggles with discipline. 

I’ve really neglected her and this experiment is forcing me to pay attention to her.  It’s forcing me to love her and give to her and be there for her.  And it is forcing me to be disciplined.  Disciplined in writing.  Disciplined in yoga. In meditation.  In rewiring my brain so I think in a way that will benefit me.  All of it.  And I just feel like screaming and falling back into my old patterns…and I can’t.  I won’t let myself because I know deep down I love that imperfect flesh and bones Kimmy more than anything, and, frankly, I’m sick of abandoning her. 

So I’m not purging anything.  I’m strengthening myself. My muscle.  My mind, body and soul.  Because I want more out of this life.  I want it all.  I want to be home all the time.  And by home, I mean I want to bring these three aspects of myself together and never go without them again. 

I feel like my whole world is upside down.  Neural pathways being rewired.  Truly bringing the triple goddesses and trinity together is more than just honoring and loving all aspects of yourself.  Amen.  It’s like throwing the three parts of myself into a smelting pot and turning on the heat.  They’re all bubbling and smoking right now as I readjust my entire life to a new way of being.

Namaste. 

I think that’s update enough.

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Jesus Christ.  I thought I was fucked up.  Then I read that Mackenzie Phillips had sex with her father for over a decade.                                   .  All of a sudden I’m feeling that my life is brilliant.  It’s all about perspective isn’t it?

Perspective indeed.  So, Lucy is one of my best friends. I found myself sitting at her kitchen table today listening to how she wishes that she didn’t forget things and wasn’t a “mindless” person.  Jeepers creepers bo beepers. I’m like that all the time.  Just last week I plowed through the toilet paper, voraciously moved onto the paper towels, and then made a triple shot chocolate mocha…if you know what I mean…with my coffee filters before I remembered to actually buy more toilet paper.  Keys dangling from the ignition as I peer through the window.  Flying purses from the top of my Mini as I unsuspicious-ly drive away.  Three shoeboxes full of greeting cards, signed and stamped but never sent.  All normal for me.  But I’m okay with it.  The flip side is that I’m incredibly creative, spontaneous and fun.  There’s never a dull moment when I’m around, and I’m always good for a laugh. 

I guess what surprised me about Lucy is that I thought she had it all.  Financial success.  A nice home. A beautiful husband and baby.  Then she opened that door that let me in, and I saw someone insecure in herself.   Someone who doubts her own worth to some extent and doesn’t want to be perceived as a ditz.  (Gee thanks.)  Sometimes its hard living here in Los Angeles because the people here always try to show everyone their “put together side”.  YES!  They scream from the Hollywood Hills! We’re fit, fabulous and in control!  But the reality is their snorting cocaine in the bathroom,  fucking their best friend’s wife or husband to feel better about themselves, or just simply, quietly suffering behind a facade of perfectionism.  Or fucking their father for 10 years.

So thank you to Mackenzie for coming out.  You are truly brave and have been for years.  Allowing us to see beyond the facade of Hollywood.  Thank you to Lucy for confiding in me.  For never having to be perfect in my eyes.  And thanks to everyone else who just lets it all hang out…except Ron Jeremy. You’re disgusting.

Being real with each other is the biggest gift we have to give one another.  I really hope this blog can start a conversation about who we are and where we are in our lives.  So now for the “truth” about my challenge today.

The Triple Goddess Experiment / Challenge:

 BODY- Yoga:  One hour of yoga everyday for a year.

Late yoga again tonight- 10:21 pm.  I need to get this in earlier in the day so I can reap the benefits.  Right now, this just feels like a pain in the ass that I have to get done everyday.  I keep procrastinating and making excuses.  All I really want to do is fall into bed.  Why did I start this challenge? Ug.

Okay,  Sara Ivanhoe is great.  YADA. Yada.  But my neck is killing me and the sun salutations just aren’t helping.  Maybe I’m looking for instant gratification, but its hard not to when I’m being strangled by my own neck muscles.  So, I found Michael A. Riel from YogaYak.  His 57 minute video “Hatha Yoga for Neck and Shoulder Pain” is profound and literally like having a yoga class in your home.  His timing was perfection.  While Sara Ivanhoe’s videos are excellent and offer yoga from a more athletic perspective (let’s get a good workout folks!), Michael’s video offered a more restorative feeling while maintaining a pretty difficult pace…at least for a beginner.  Intermediate, beginners only with modifications.

5 stars (outta 5)

SPIRIT – Meditation: Begin with 10 minutes of meditation a day. At the end of a year- an hour.

Okay, this meditation thing isn’t going so well.  I fell asleep within one minute of the video starting.  I don’t even remember what it was! 

Tomorrow, I’m sitting during the meditation. Any other suggestions for me?

MIND – The Law of Attraction: Work with a coach on daily exercises to create what I want in my life.

I woke up, yippee-d and affirmed that I slept well and thanked God.  It still feels like I’m lying to myself since I only got 6 hours after a night with only 4 hours, but I am finding that I’m not talking about the lack of sleep or how shitty I feel because I want to believe that I feel well and am sleeping well, so I don’t want to say anything that contradicts that. 

My CD isn’t working yet, so in the car, Mama Cheryl gave me three more affirmations.

1. My family had lots and lots of money when I was growing up.

2. All my body parts work perfectly.

3. Shit. I can’t remember the third. Hmmmmm.  That’s telling.  Let’s see if Mama Cheryl can remind me what it was…

Well, I thought that went well, but I’m really curious to know what the missing affirmation is.  I’ll have to work extra with that one.

Needless to say, I didn’t listen to the affirmation CD while going to sleep since I fell asleep during mediation. 

Still struggling with negativity, but I do have positive thoughts too.  In general, I feel overwhelmed by all my tasks at hand and a messy house and my perceived lack of money. 

Well, tomorrow’s a new day.  See you then.  And as usual, I’m open to comments and suggestions.

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