Right now, I can work hard on getting my body back, my life back and my JOY back.

Two and a half years ago, I was in incredible shape. I danced 10-14 hours per week every week, lifted weights and climbed a 100 foot high sand dune at Sand Dune Park in Manhattan Beach at least twice a week, often 10 times each time I went.

Then, I popped my hip out of joint during a dance class. I couldn’t walk for a week, and it took nine months to even attempt to dance again. I limped off the dance floor after 5 minutes of salsa. Not good. About 6 months after that, I hurt my mid-back from massaging 8 people in one day at a place of employment that didn’t understand that was too much. Apparently, neither did I. It put me out of work for 6 months, and I’ll never be able to work for a spa again. I am doing the occasional massage, here and there, but that’s about it.

Both injuries caused me intense amounts of pain…physical, emotional, and spiritual. The former stole the greatest love my life-dance, and the latter took my career away and forced me into a job I was very unhappy in. (Most of you know, I am working diligently on finding work I enjoy and that offers me consistent income. I am waiting to hear from a wonderful restaurant in Belmont Heights, a few blocks from my house. I could be happy working there. And I also have several writing projects going.)

As I looked at picture from a few short years ago, I feel so sad. The past two and a half years have been hard on me, and although people don’t think I look my age, I can see the pain from the past two and a half years in my face and body. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of the cycle of depression and pain that that ordeal put me through, and Bryan says I’m doing much better. Of course, I’m hard on my self, and the weight gain breaks my heart. I worked hard to get where I was.

So, why am I rehashing all of this? Because today I took that next step towards taking my life back, this challenge being the first step, of course. I’ve also been dieting for 3-4 days. I’m ready. I’m really ready to be happy again like that. I’m ready to let go of all that pain. I don’t want it anymore. I just can’t hold onto it. It was killing me slowly.

So, I went back to Sand Dune Park -the first time in two and a half years! The park was closed for “maintenance”…for 6 months! Well, I didn’t let it get me down. No. No. No. I climbed the stairs that run along side the sand hill- them 3 times up and 3 times down. It wasn’t alot, but my legs were shaking so hard when I was done. They’ll be sore tomorrow, but I’m going again…tomorrow. I may not be able to buy a gym membership right now, but I can do this. Right now my life needs to be about CANS not CAN’TS.

It’s hard to face the truth sometimes. I didn’t want to really see where all this pain had taken me. It was dark. But I don’t want that any more. My life will be care-free again. I flirt with those days now. Today was a big step, tomorrow will be another, and the day after another. But for now, I will worry about now. And right now, I can work hard on getting my body back, my life back and my JOY back.

Thanks for listening.

Namaste.

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When did we learn to have less expectations of people? Well, screw that!

Why is it that I have my greatest epiphanies in the bathtub?

Ironic since I hated to take a bath when I was a kid. Once mom told me to take a bath-I was six or so. I went in the bathroom, sat there (on the toilet with the lid closed) for a while. I got up, got into my jammies and exited. Mama asked me if I took a bath, and I eagerly replied. “Ye-es!” She went to the tub, touched its sides, and felt up the soap. KIMBERLY ANNE! You get in here and take a bath right now!! Shit, busted! I got smarter after that and wet the tub, the soap AND a wash cloth…until I actually learned to like taking a bath.

So, yes, the epiphany. I know you’re dying to hear this one: you get what you expect. Duh, you say. Well, let me tell you that many people, especially me, learn to turn off the expectation button. Haven’t you ever had an expectation of someone, and then when they let you down, learned NOT to have expectations of that person. Can’t get hurt if you have no expectations. Can’t get let down if you have no expectations. Well, I’m sorry, but FUCK that!

If you have no expectations, you know what you get? SHIT! You get more hurt with no expectations. You have nothing to reach for, nothing to attain, nowhere to go! If we let people off the hook, we get a hell of a lot less than disappointed or let down. We get numb, and we get people in our lives who are substandard to what we need and desire. Sorry, but my needs are important. My desires are important.

From here on out, I EXPECT a great job in which I make great money! I EXPECT great friendships in which people treat me well and with respect. I EXPECT a GREAT life. I deserve it!

Don’t you?
Namaste.

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Self-confidence is coming from my connection to the infinite.

I’ve been a million times less stressed and feeling quite happy, not so depressed, since I feel like I know what I want in my life (see my Triple Goddess Experiment blog from two days ago). My self-confidence is stemming from my connection to the infinite source of all. My self-esteem is lifting because I am looking inward. I am telling God that he’s just gonna have to take care of me, because I have things I want to do in my life. Things that are important that I know stem from divine will. How do I know this? Because I feel it, and because I feel immensely passionate about creating stories that inspire and help move people. Because I am thrilled at the prospect of helping people through my words.

Since I’ve been busy with post-Christmas celebrations, my yoga suffered last night and was whittled down to about 15 minutes. I felt a bit guilty about that, but spending time with my brother and niece for “our” Christmas was worth it. We had so much fun, and I am blessed with an amazing family, and that includes Bryan.

I’ve been grasping any opportunity I can to meditate, and it is so beneficial. When I close my eyes and breathe in deeply, I feel like I am connecting with the real world. Connecting to that reality is helping me tremendously in this one.

Namaste.

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Are successful people balanced or strung out?

Bzzz.  Bzzzz. Bzzz.  I almost wrote, just now, that I don’t know how to relax, but then I realized that this is not really true.  I know how to relax.  I just don’t make the choice to relax on a regular basis.  I’ve been pushing, pushing, pushing with all of my projects.  Even my meditations, yoga and writing the blog is a chore-something that I must accomplish and get done.  I’m not sure I enjoy living like this.

My option of getting a “normal” 9-5  job is not really a realistic option for me.  It’s a lifestyle I abhor.  Art and creativity is my life…and I do love it.  However, yesterday I didn’t stop till after 9 pm, which is a good day…but I lay in bed watching a Christmas special with Bryan feeling antsy.  My legs felt all jittery until I meditated and focused on bringing the energy out of my head and into my legs.

So, I’m pushing, but sometimes I feel like I’m pushing against a brick wall.  I just want success for my projects, and I don’t want to stop until I have it…so where’s my balance.  How do I find it?

Please balance fairy, what do I do?  How do I have everything I want without feeling strung out?

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Meditation is taking action.

Today is just a quick update.  My lower back was killing me yesterday.  I did about 45 minutes of stretching, listening to my body, and 15 minutes of sun salutations and strengthening.  My flexibility has drastically increased…time for new pictures.  After a good night’s sleep, my back is completely fine today.  Interestingly enough, this is also aligned with a better mental attitude.

I’ve been barely getting through the mediations, understanding however that I’ve been doing the bare minimum to say I’ve done it.  I know, however, that this is temporary.  My desire to deepen my meditation is strong, and I’m looking forward to spending much time with myself.  I read today that meditation is taking action.  I’d have to agree 100% with that.  Anyone that thinks it’s all easy is clearly mistaken, and it is one of the greatest things that we can do for ourselves.  So, now that things are settled down a bit,  I will be taking much action in this form, as well as others.

The Law of Attraction works whether I have faith or not.  This is why it’s called a law.  So, even though I doubted in for a day, it is working regardless of my faith in it.  My mentor and coach (and mother) wrote something that struck me in her comment to me.  She wrote:

There’s an old saying that states, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” The truth is, “You’ll see it, when you believe it.”

I do believe this.  So, I’m keeping on, keeping on.

Notes to readers:

I am getting ready to launch my new pages about The Law of Attraction which will be written by Cheryl Squiers of Become a Lotus, a meditation page which will discuss mediation techniques which will be written by fellow follower of Yogananda, Jamme Chantler.  I also want to launch a yoga page.  I am still looking for someone who interested in authoring this page.  So, stay tuned and in the meantime if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to comment or even write an email to triplegoddessexperiment@gmail.com.  You’ve been here for m, and I’ll be there for you.

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The better attitude I keep, the better my physical health. The better physical health I keep, the better my attitude.

Today was postapocalyptic.  Yesterday, I slammed into a giant iceberg and started drowning in the cold dark waters of my mind.  Today, I felt emotionally and physically exhausted from such an intense struggle of survival. I am realizing more and more how the physical can affect the mind, and how the mind can affect the physical.  I am ovulating, and I know this has something to do with my mood yesterday. I know I would have felt fear over losing a weeks worth of work last week, but I know my ovulating intensified the experience. Today, my psoas is acting up, and I am having hip pain into my leg, down to my knee and wrapped into my lower back.  I am wondering if this is caused by either the ovulation, or maybe I internalized my mood yesterday. Ok. No maybe. I did internalize my fear yesterday, and perhaps this pain is its manifestation. 

So the cycle would continue because the pain puts me in a pissy mood, except that I just did an hour of yoga and dosed up on Advil.  You see, I am learning to take care of myself…and especially my body.  If I hurt or am hungry or am tired, I don’t function well.  My mind goes to its comfortable place of panic, fear and negativity.  So, the more I can get a hold of my physical health, the better attitude I am able to keep.  Of course, the better attitude I can keep, the better my physical health. 

So, body health first.  That means taking care of what I need to physically, which is eating healthy, exercising, doing my yoga, getting a mammogram and doctor’s checkup and if my new hormonal herbs don’t work, going to the doctor to try to alleviate the peri-menopause symptoms.  Or maybe read Christiane Northrup again.

Think about it for your life.  When my mom was here on vacation, I could see this pattern in her.  When she was tired or hungry, she had a harder time staying positive.  So, let me know. What do you think?

 My Christmas tree! She’s about 3 1/2 feet tall! Isn’t she beautiful?!!

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Don’t read this post if you want it all positive!

Well, today was my hardest day since the first week I started this blog.  I had moments of feeling distraught, lost, unsure of everything, and scared. I worked obsessively and incessantly on my computer inspired by fear, not love of what I’m doing.  My mind kept going down into dark thoughts, spiralling my attitude into places I never wanted to go to again. 

Why? The answer is two-fold.  First, I am going to get my period within the week…the hormones are kicking up and I can feel it.  The second is because my friend, whose baby I take care of, was sick all week, so I didn’t work.  I was counting on that money for rent…and now my rent is late.  I feel like I can’t count on the income from taking care of the baby, so I’ve made the decision to get a job that will give me consistent money so I can continue to do the work I love-the writing, photography and graphics.  This was a hard decision because I love the baby so much, but since I am not on a monthly retainer, I can’t afford to have a week of no work.

Then, my mind went to that yucky place of what if.  What if I don’t get a job? What if, what if, what if.  Horrible words!!!  Those two words are not helpful to me.  I saw myself going a financial hole! Ugg.

So, then after a day of feeling like this, I decide to take a bath.  In the bath I think, you know you can get out of the tub, go do your yoga (will help your hips feel better which hurt from sitting all day) and meditate. You’ll feel so much better! Yeah, BUT I want to feel like crap!  Ha ha ha. Can you believe I actually told myself that? Then I thought, yeah, well, feeling angry and scared and sad and scared really worked so well for you the past two years?  Yeah, go back to your misery ’cause that really gave you the life you wanted

Maybe I’m schizo!  Just kiddin’, but after that I called Bryan, and he asked me what has changed in my life since I’ve been doing the Triple Goddess Experiment. I answered:

I’ve made money doing photography.

I’ve made money doing graphic design.

I’ve been much happier.

My attitude is in general much improved.

I have more energy in my hands and have healed people.

I have taken on a guru.

I’m writing everyday (creating a habit of it).

I have a closer relationship with my mother and my brother Jamme.

My family is now meditating.

I am inspiring people to take steps to be happier.

I realized, of course, that I needed to refocus my mind on what I DO have…not on what I don’t have! That was my answer for the day.  Thanks to my Bryan for getting me there.

So, I’m feeling a little wiped out now since I’ve taken myself on an emotional roller coaster ride.  So, I still have to do that yoga and meditation…now that  I WANT to be happy and feel good!

Thanks for the support…and as always Namaste.

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The beautiful thing about attitudes is that we can change them!

“The optimist is right. The pessimist is right. The one differs from the other as the light from the dark. Yet both are right. Each is right from his own particular point of view, and this point of view is the determining factor in the life of each”……Ralph Waldo Trine, In Tune with the Infinite

I hopped on my Facebook page this morning and one of my friends had posted this quote.  Interestingly enough most of my friends on my Facebook are not too into metaphysical thinking or spiritual evolution,  so it’s not like all of my friends are posting this kind of thing. It really struck me, and I know it is no coincidence.  Interestingly enough, I have never ever heard of Ralph Waldo Trine.  Of course I have heard of many of his contemporaries, Ernest Homes, Mary Baker Eddy, etc…but now I am being introduced to him.  Strangely, as I cock my head to the right, I feel a trip to Barnes and Nobles coming on…

And what about this quote huh? I love this because it expresses exactly what I have learned to be true.  No one is right or wrong in their attitude, but that attitude will determine the kind of life each will live.  And the beautiful thing about attitudes is that we can change them! Now that’s something to get excited about!  Don’t you think!

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Let go of extraneous thoughts and listen to… yourself.

Have you ever  felt like a slug? I don’t mean squishy; I mean lazy, unable to really move and go through your day with energy and, even, effectiveness?  It seems that whatever I try to do today, I just want to lay back in bed and do nothing.  It’s been a day of lethargy as I try to catch up on rest from visiting with company and the holiday.  The strange thing, though, is I don’t feel rested in the slightest bit. I am, however, going through the motions, or lack of them anyway.  I’m trying to release my expectations of instant gratification, because, frankly, I’ve been resting most the day and I am still exhausted.  I’m hoping this is like meditation- I may not feel it working, but  it is regardless of whether I’m conscious of it or not.  All in all, I’m letting myself rest and taking care of myself as needed. 

Overall,  I think I have lived in the present today, not putting too much focus on tomorrow or the days after and honestly, not really even thinking about the past. I’ve been content , maybe more like a bug in my rug.  My phone battery ran out this morning and my charger is at my brother’s house, a half and hour away.  Though I feel a bit isolated, I also feel a little happy to not have to pay attention to a text or phone call.  It’s been all about what I want or need at any given moment, and that feels good.

So, today I am simply grateful for living in the moment.  I am content and happy as I am.  It’s okay to be tired and need rest.  It was a hell of a great week, and this is way better than getting sick because I don’t pay attention to what I need.  Being in touch with what I need and want is becoming increasingly easier as I continue to work this Triple Goddess Experiment.  As I learn to let go of thoughts that are extraneous, the more I am able to listen to myself and give myself what I need.  So, on that note, I really need to get my yoga and meditation done for today. Namaste.

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Gratitude allows us to express our true selves.

While I meditated this morning, overwhelming feelings of gratitude came to me.  I felt humble and so happy for everything in my life.  All that I want is here with me already, and I am revealing it, releasing  layers of fear and limited thinking as I do. It is no irony that tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I’m gettin’ in the mood early!

And I’ve decided, since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I am taking the day off. Yes. I have decided that this is important for me to give myself the holiday as a gift for all my hard work.  I’ll be enjoying the time with my family and friends…there will be around 22 of us! FUN!

I’d also like to share  words of gratitude from Sri Daya Mata from the Self-Realization Fellowship:

“At this festive time of Thanksgiving, let us observe it also as a blessed time in offering gratitude to the One who gives us so bountifully of His goodness and beauty in this world. If we look upon everything and everyone in a spirit of reverence for the indwelling Divine Creator, whether obvious or hidden, we know we are in His omnipresent, watchful love. A thankful heart recognizes God’s all-pervasive Presence, assuring us that in all circumstances we are eternally in the care of Him who is the ultimate source of our every need.”

More of Daya Mata’s Thanksgiving message.

She talks about trust and faith in knowing that we will always be taking care of.  We don’t need to live in anger, fear, and resentment.  In knowing that all of our needs are forever taken care of, it frees us to express our true selves.  I am forever grateful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving and Namaste.

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