Archive for October, 2009

I wanted to let you all know that the technique that I’ve added this week to my Law of Attraction work is really helping to anchor my affirmations in my brain.  I can feel the roots of those affirmations planting into the older neural pathway.  Cheryl, Law of Affirmation coach, asked me to think of a very positive memory…one that I had a strong emotional attachment to – and then when I say my affirmations to think of this memory.

My grandmother was one of the most incredible woman I’ve ever known.  Strong, funny, loving and warm – and she made incredible homemade doughnuts, pickles and wine!  Of course, I never got to try the wine…not because I was too young, but because my grandfather had already slurped it all down before it was finished fermenting!  Okay, maybe too young, but he did drink it right from the barrel! 

One of my greatest memories is of her taking me to her beautiful gardens where she grew tomatoes, cucumbers, zucchini, string beans, peas, scallions, and even raspberries!  I remember so vividly when she took me over to her raspberry bushes, picked some and held them out to me in her soft but wrinkled hand.  I can see that moment so clearly, like it was earlier today.  I felt so much love, warmth, and safety.

So in following what Cheryl wanted me to do, I thought of this memory on purpose, and then immediately said my affirmations about being a writer: I am a Pulitzer prize winner author.  Hollywood calls me often.  I am offered a million dollars per script I write whether it’s made or not.  I write from my castle on a cliff overlooking the sea.  I write everyday.  I am on the New York Times bestseller list.

Now, when I think of this memory, the affirmations immediately come up, and when I think of one of these affirmations, I remember this memory.  They are linked together!  It took less than a week of practicing this technique with strong intent as to what I was consciously trying to do… for it to work.  It’s hard to explain what it feels like to have the affirmations more anchored…like they’ve been there for a long time.  They’ve gone from being something that I’m trying to feel to more like truths I’ve known for a long time.  It’s kinda weird but great.

So, try it!  If you need help understanding how to do this, you can contact Cheryl Squiers at becomealotus@gmail.com.

Happy Samhain.




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Pulsing energy.  I am a pulsing wave of energy, undulating and flowing , warm and constant.  In my meditation last night, I could feel my energy pulsing throughout my entire body.  I’ve felt it before in my hands, I’ve been a Reiki practitioner for years.  This was different, and more expansive.  I sat with it and enjoyed the feeling of knowing that I am more than flesh.  My mind has always known it, but to feel it is completely different.  Comforting, even.

I could see Yogananda and then, I could see when he collapsed and entered Mahasamadhi and  he said, “You know what this was like for me.”  I didn’t understand, and I said…Why?  You know when I collapsed what this was like, you felt it.”  So, I tried to understand why, but he wouldn’t tell  me.  I didn’t get how I could know what that was like for him.  He was insistent on not telling me.  But that I would figure it out and learn how I knew. Know how that felt for him.

Well, I still don’t get it, but I hope over time, this will be revealed to me.  Any ideas or is this for me to figure out?


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Balance, ahh, elusive balance.  In my yoga last night, I really struggled with balance.  Even in mountain pose (standing), I wobbled like a weeble.  Even though I’d like to blame it on an imaginary, infamous Los Angeles earthquake, I’ll fess up.  It came from my inability to set boundaries with myself, and night after night I am finding myself working till eleven or so. Then after that squeezing in my yoga, meditation and my blog writing, even though I’ve been getting up around 6:15 a.m. 

Yet, the work I’ve been doing is work I love.  Touching up photos I took for the band Absinthe and designing a new logo for a company called CyverOne.  The company is interested in hiring me as a writer, as well, for an ambassador video for their website that we’ll be designing.  So, great opportunities have come and are coming, and baby, I’m answering their call.  What amazing opportunities I’ve created for myself since this Goddess Experiment started…just five and a half weeks ago!  Making money as an artist…it’s what I’ve always wanted and what I’m working on creating.

So, I know what I need to learn next is how to have balance-in my everyday life and in my yoga.  As an artist, it is very easy for me to get lost for hours and hours in my creative process and the bliss that accompanies it.  My only issue is that I will forget to eat, the dirty dishes and laundry pile up, and I neglect caring for myself.  Maybe I should work on manifesting a small house elf, like Dobby from Harry Potter!


Yes. And until I manifest him, I’ll have to set boundaries for myself, because I plan on getting more and more creative work.  I’ll draw the line, lay the law down on myself…and maybe use paper dishes and wear disposable clothes. Hey, I like that idea…Kinda like One a Day contacts, except One a Day underwear.  Wear ’em once and throw them in the trash.  You never have to worry about going out of style…

yes, underwear have style.

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Have you ever just felt on edge for no apparent reason?  A sinking feeling in your stomach.  A general all over malaise.  You look up to find a full moon, and there is none.  Or a dark cloud, and the sun blinds you.  Yet you still feel uncomfortable all through your body? Like your cells are burning from the inside out.

I have .  Today.  It was like last night’s Los Angeles winds blew all my insecurities, doubts and pessimistic attitudes back to me.  Except, really, I think it was the difficult day I had yesterday with the baby that sent my brain on a u-turn.  Cheryl, my Law of Attraction coach, says that, in the brain, “when a strong emotion is felt,  a protein is released along with the neurotransmitters as the neurons fire across the synaptic gap and the protein causes the event to bind to the neural pathway much more strongly that if it was simply a neural thought or memory”.  What this means, basically, is that emotional events create a stronger neural pathway than just a regular memory, and it is my belief that my “crisis” yesterday with the baby found an old, neural pathway in my brain to slide down-one that probably had held similar panic type emotions. Now, even the day after, my brain is still heading down, those old, familiar pathways, so that I’m experiencing old patterns of thinking.

But. Don’t you just love buts? But if a crisis can re-fire old neural pathways, I can also use the science to attach my affirmations and visualizations to positive old neural pathways creating a strong physical bond for my affirmations and new ways of thinking. Cheryl has suggested I do this for my new assignment:

“So what I want you to do is to remember something that made you feel very strongly – maybe like when you won the “Best Model for Barbizon or some other occasion that you can think of when you felt something that you felt very strongly about, and then say your affirmations that you want the most. Do this at least once a day, more would be better.”

It makes sense, doesn’t it? And I like this assignment because it’s using something that could be detrimental  and turning around and making it work for you.  So, here I come…  I have some work to do to get my “brain” in a better place, but I’m happy there’s a scientific technique I can use to help me.  And meditation and yoga.  Gotta get to it.


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…and the silence between all sound.  When I meditated this morning, I had a difficult time quieting my mind.  Random thoughts flittered in and out of my brain.  I told myself..QUIET!  Yah, for like one second.  Then flitter, flitter, blah, flitter, flitter, blah.  I told myself, “Be here now.  Right here.”  Blah, blah, blah, flitter.  “Okay, then listen to all the noise around you.  The birds tweeting.  The jogger running by.  The truck truckin’ by.  I did.  And then I realized after I don’t even know how long…I am the silence between that noise. Between all sound.  Then, I am the space between all things.  Between the smallest particles.  If felt expansive, and for a moment I knew that this was true.  I felt such peace amongst the cacophony of  life. 

Unfortunately, later on, when little Jazzi (the 15 month old I take care of) was so sick, and I held her little fevered body in my arms, and I felt worried about her as she coughed and moaned, I thought, “I AM the noise. I AM the sound!”  It was how I felt at that moment, worried about my little darling.   Unfortunately, I was the noise until just a short while ago when I finally felt like I could let it go.   I felt the need to tell everyone what had happened with the baby, maybe for sympathy or maybe so people could tell me I handled everything okay.  However, I’d like to be able to, one day, keep that centered feeling I had this morning even through crisis or difficult times.  But lucky for me, I’m meditating again before bed!  And tomorrow I care for the baby again, and this time maybe I can bring the baby with me into that beautiful expansive space, and help her feel better.

And yes, the baby’s mama took her to the doctor asap and she’s fine. She  has a virus, and the last I knew   she was sleeping propped up in her little high chair.  Doctor’s orders.

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Today is update day.  How’s the yoga going? The meditation? The Law of Attraction?  Committed, remember, to an hour of yoga a day, daily meditation and working assignments from Cheryl Squiers from Become a Lotus.  What about work, money, my health?

So, this is my 36th entry. 

I’ve been doing yoga constantly and consistently except for the past two days…I did it today.  The vertigo stopped that plan, but instead of getting down on myself for it, I made sure I did a lengthy meditation, paid special attention to my Law of Attraction assignments and spent much time living in the now and feeling the bliss of being ME!!

In general, I’m finding that learning how to do a certain series of movements, like the sun salutations, has been extremely helpful since I don’t always have time to go to a class or watch a video at home.  If I arrive somewhere early, I head to a private spot and do my yoga, even if it’s for a half an hour or so. Then, I can also do more at home later.  This way,  I don’t have to chunk out a whole hour during a busy day.  Of course, the days when I can do the whole hour straight, I am quite appreciative since it feels like coming home.  Yoga has become a necessity for me, for my state of mind and physical health.  It’s  a place I can go to and feel the safety and security of me.  It’s expansive and reassuring at the same time. 

Meditation has also given me that same feeling of home that yoga has…of course, perhaps,  because yoga is meditative as well.  Nonetheless, it has also become a priority and necessity.  It’s a place where I can go to feel the flow of life and breath, giving me guidance for when I am just living my life in the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles.  Reminding me who I am so that I can carry that forth in all that I do.  It was scary, at first, with feeling and sensing other presences, but I have learned to protect myself and ask for guidance from Jesus and Yogananda.  I visualize myself in white light and am safe. 

My experience with raising the kundalini has made me hesitate in this area.  I  want to experience Kriya yoga, but will do so under the guidance of a SRF nun, so I can get the proper technique.   When I got the bad headache, it made me realize that this technique is very powerful and needs to be done with brevity and guidance.  I look forward to when io can be initiated into Kriya and truly call Yogananda my guru.

The Law of Attraction has been extremely powerful and, often, quite fun.  Some days I wake up and say, (close your ears kiddies) FUCK! Then immediately I laugh and holler “Yipee! I slept well all night! Thank you God and then list everything I’m grateful for.” This has been the single most powerful thing I’ve done with the Law of Attraction.  It sets my mind in a good place for the whole day and it gets me in an appreciative mood. 

All of the affirmations and visualizations, rewriting my childhood have also been extremely valuable.  And I am grateful for the guidance Cheryl from Become a Lotus has given me.  Days when I didn’t think I could make it… she has been my biggest cheerleader.  But I have neglected one assignment she has given me.

The Vision Board.  Which is odd because I was the most excited for this  assignment.  I have let my life get in the way of this important task, and I must set about it.  So, I will keep you, my readers, updated and please, call me on it.  Write, ask , comment about it.  I would appreciate the support.

Only after 5 weeks, my life is truly changing. 

When I started 5 weeks ago my hips hurt constantly, the pain often unbearable, and I had constant headaches.  As of today, I’ve experienced NO hip pain since the first few days of beginning this experiment except the day after my long trip in the car to the Wing Chun seminar.  (Bryan massaged my psoas, and the pain went bye bye.)  I have periodically experienced headaches, but not as severe.  I think, in general, they’ve been more related to being sick…twice.

The first time, I had gotten a flu after the entire family I nanny for had gotten a flu.  The second has been the last few days…a virus I think with pretty severe vertigo.  Obviously, I’d like to be sick less, but I’ve handled each illness well, just living in the moment and surrendering, while the same time  recognizing that my body is healthy and strong and will feel better when the time is right. 

Right before I had started this experiment, I had quit my miserable job and decided that I would only do things that I love to make money.  I had no money in the bank, but decided to be fearless.  Since then, I have worked as a professional photographer,  found employment at a nurturing Relaxation Studio where I can be myself and help heal people, and gained more work doing graphics…I have paid my bills.  I am truly one thousand percent happier.

So, there’s the update folks.  Thanks for your support, and I’m going to keep on, keep on.

and remember, if I can change my life…you can change yours.


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I just saw a program on PBS with Eckhart Tolle called “Eckhart Tolle: Awakening in the Now”. 

Here’s an excerpt:

Working with the Law of Attraction to manifest a different life for myself, I found that what Eckhart Tolle was saying really hit home.  That many people, including myself, are not pleased with the present moment and either complain about it or use it “as a means to an end”.  I need this “now” now to get me to a more important moment. 

I know that I am guilty of this and find myself often looking towards a future that I think I’ll like better than what I have and where I am right now.  But does this practice–living in the now–contradict the Law of Attraction? Since I am using the Law of Attraction in my life to create things and situations that I want, am I using the “now” to get to a better future.  A future that doesn’t really exist because the “now” is all we have.

I’ll go farther into what Eckhart Tolle says.  He says that as we look at each moment, we must ask if we can live  in its space (be okay with it).   That to live in the “now”, we must be okay with it whatever it is because it is. Is. Is.  That’s all there is.  Every moment. Now. No. Now. Now. Now.  He also says that we can make a decision to take action.  Or not.  In that now.  He also is a big advocate of getting out of our thoughts that project or live in the past (not that the past  or future exist in reality, but do in our thoughts).

This too, however, is what I am discovering as I use the Law of Attraction.  I set out to manifest a new life for myself, new job, money, health etc…and what I am discovering is that 99.9% of my thoughts are fear based. About the future mostly, but some times I am also beating myself up about the past.   I am finding that to really work the Law of Attraction and to feel the feelings of who I want to be and what I want that I MUST live in the now and let go of that fear and those thoughts about the past and future.  Because the truth of who I want to be and what I want to have IS ALREADY HERE RIGHT NOW!  I already am who I want to be and I already have what I want, I just have to get out of my own way, live in the moment and realize it.  Feel those feelings of who I am and what I have.

Using the Law of Attraction and Eckhart Tolle’s thoughts about the “now” do not contradict each other.  I would describe the process of realizing your desires and who you are as an unfolding that exists in this very moment.  Not a projection of the future.   (Though I would thoroughly admit that when I first started on this journey almost 6 weeks ago that I was projecting into my future wholeheartedly…and was feeling miserable because of it.)

What do you all think about this?

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