Sexual union is spiritual in nature

I’ve recently vowed to keep a diary of my experiences in healing, mediation and Qi Gong. So, I’ll catch up and then continue as inspired.

Last week, while I meditated, energy from the earth came into my body from my feet. Just below the ball of my big toe, it felt very hot. At the same time, energy from the sky came into my body from my head. I had a great sense that the earth energy was Yin and the sky energy was Yang. I was curious as to what would happen when the two energies met in my body. I calmly observed. As they met in the lower abdomen area, they twined around each other like a DNA helix and moved up my spine in this manner.

Yesterday, I woke up depressed…for no apparent reason. When I learned that Sri Daya Mata passed, I understood clearly that I felt her passing energetically. Oddy enough, I loved her but was not so attracted to her. I sobbed the entire day for her passing. I felt forcefully urged to meditate. As I did, I felt incredible peace and silence, emptiness and fullness at the same time. I, then, felt a hand press on my shoulder and stay there during the rest of the meditation. Om. Jai Guru. Jai Ma.

Today, during my standing meditation, I felt compelled to practice my Qi Gong. As I exhaled the breath and move energy from the Dan Tien area into the reproductive organs, unconciously my pelvis tilted under and as the energy moved down and through the perineum to the coccyx and up, my pelvis tilted back. As the energy moved up the spine, the rib cage expanded and as it retreated down the spin through the front of the body, the ribcage contracted. This movement continued through breath and circulation of the energy. It seemed sexual to me as it almost mimicked the pelvic movement in sex. I don’t think this coincidental. I think that sexual union is spiritual in nature, creating union spiritually and physically when conception occurs. When having sex, then, it would make sense to open the chakras and mind to God.

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The Republic of Me

Ahh. The Triple Goddess Experiment. A way to survive pain, depression and fear. Security, love and hope in a world that felt painful and over whelming. I have neglected you dear friend as I have enjoyed the manifestations of my hard work. Work has at times been all-consuming, but fun and rewarding. As I enjoy the creativity and artistry in graphic design, I also have been enjoying healing through massage, energy work and soon…micro current therapy. I am honoring both sides of myself…the artist and the healer.

Next, I am going to reincorporate poetry into my life as I start to present my poetry in open mic sessions at the local Barnes and Nobles. I will start writing again for the love it, and not the desire to complete a project or to make money. Do it because to not do it is to ignore a part of my soul. I am so excited for this next step in my life. I am reclaiming it, you know. My life is becoming mine again. Or maybe for the first time. Or maybe just the next time.

I wrote this piece after I left my ex-husband 7 years ago. A recurring theme, though this time it has nothing to do with a man, but realizing the power to do anything is inside of me. Maybe I should write a poem today called The Power in Me. Ha.

The Republic of Me

My life is for me now.
Your domination has taught me the lesson
learned for endless generations.
The revolution festered in doubt for so many years,
an uprising- a test of independence.
A retreat.
A surrender.
But when the day of reckoning came,
It was swift.

A recognition of power and
an acknowledgement of self.

you have been dethroned.
you are not my God.
you are not my King.
you have been replaced by
The Republic of Me.

__
Namaste.

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I felt up a quartz crystal. It hummed.

A stranger, a woman whom I had never met before today, bought me a crystal at the Goddess CAT store in Long Beach.

I decided to pop in and buy some cosmetics, as I had told Ifeanyi, the bright-souled owner, that when I had some money, I’d buy my make-up from her. And why not? It’s her own brand that she personally developed, and it is great quality at a good price. So, I popped in, got my hug and started feeling up crystals.

Now, when I say feeling up, I don’t mean molesting. I mean scoping out. Like I could spend all my money on crystals and not make-up, and be thrilled. But mom’s coming in a few weeks, and I only let myself go between visits. So, I was strictly scoping and not buying. I needed lip gloss and blush.

Three women came in after a 10 minute meet and greet with quartz, selenite, obsidian, and a couple of their friends. Ifeanyi greeted them with a hug and expressed delight that five of her favorite customers were there at the same time. She wants have a get together with her Goddess customers and dance with wine and flowered tiaras. I’m in.

So, we shared spiritual experiences, and I thoroughly delighted in the company of women who are like-minded. Hell, three of them, a mother with her two daughters, work with goddesses of African tradition. And I know these Goddesses in their Brazilian names and have danced for them. I have met and danced with a priestess of the Condomble while she brought Yemanja’s axe (life force) to our circle. We bonded over crystals and make-up.

As I purchased my make-up, I told Ifeanyi the crystal I loved would have to wait till next paycheck. One of the women came to me and asked which crystal spoke to me. Oblivious to her intent, I held one up and handed it to her. She said, “I’d like to buy this for you. You shared your story with us. Thank you.”

Tears came to my eyes. I thanked her over and over, and then gave my phone number to her. I hope she calls. I really want women like her in my life. Her daughters were beautiful souls as well. You could feel it from all of them.

So tonight, I held my crystal in my hand, and it spoke. Okay, it screamed. It is the most powerful stone I’ve ever held. It shook in my hand, and energy fired into my fingertips. I took a deep breath, and within two minutes, energy rushed into my left leg.
Suddenly my energetic spine opened and waves of pure, gorgeous energy pulsed strongly up my spine. I immediately felt the need to meditate, So did. I felt connected to God instantly, energy still pulsing.

I felt the life force of this crystal. It is completely and totally alive,

and it liked being felt up.

Namaste.

p.s.
What an incredible gift to me. Thank you. Thank you.
The name of the type of quartz escapes me, but I will ask Ifeanyi, and update this post.

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I think I’ll meditate.

What do I write when everything is going well? They always say that drama and tragedy fuels creativity. Well, screw that. I’m not having things turn to shit again so I can get creative. Looks like I need to take this experiment to another level, and push myself out of the complacency I feel with meditation and yoga. Why not commit more?

Yeah, like actually order the Self-Realization Fellowship lessons again, or start meditating in a group setting, at least once in a while. Reach out into the world a little more and teach what I know, or take a new class. Cheryl had told me to start learning something new, that it would help cement changes I’m trying to make in my brain, and I think it’s time. Maybe another screenplay class, a writing group, or even learn new software for editing or even Adobe Illustrator. The idea of a writing group kinda sounds thrilling though I’m not sure I’d be learning anything new. A photography class would be great.

But you see what I’m getting at. Complacency is boring. There is so much to do in life. How can anyone ever get bored? Oh yeah, they’re complacent. Well, not me! No way. Now, the thing that I have to figure out is how to not be complacent but still give myself kudos for what I do.

Ah, shit. I’m thinking way too much about all of this.

I think I’ll meditate.

Namaste.

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The beauty and peace of nothingness.

I felt like Samantha from Bewitched. Last night, after I grumbled in my blog about needing to find the impetus for this blog experiment, I sat down and meditated. I cracked my knuckles, rolled my shoulders back, cracked my neck to the left, then to the right. I sniffled. Empty your mind. Concentrate, concentrate. I focused on my third eye.

Yogananda, I’m back. I’m done punishing you for sending me a boy with an elephant head to save me from evil spirits instead of coming yourself. It really pissed me off that you sent someone else to do the dirty work, but I’ll meditate again, and aren’t you sorry I stopped meditating for a few days? I mean that must’ve really pissed you off, right? Concentrate. Breathe. The breath. So, Yogananda, could you protect me in this meditation please? I really could use a bouncer here. I’ve been dreaming about evil spirits and shit all week.

Okay. Stop thinking Kimmy. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Click.

What the fuck was that? I peeked an eye open. Did my computer shut off. Nope. What was that? I looked to my cable/DVR box. It was shut off. Hey, I didn’t do that. I just shut the TV off with the remote like always, but not the cable box.

“Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!”

Oh my fucking GOD! Did I do that?! What the hell. I meant my brain, not the God damned cable box! I threw my head back and shrieked in laughter.

Then, I looked at it the cable box real hard. I whispered, “Turn on. Turn on. Turn on.”

Nothing.

I blinked my eyes.

Nothing.

I took my finger and wiggled my nose. Turn on.

Nothing.

Turn the fuck back on you piece of shit!

Nothing.

Son of a bitch. I closed my eyes again. Yogananda! I mentally stamped my foot. Make it turn back on! I felt like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Nothing.

Then it hit me right across my magical forehead. Nothing.

Nothing is what I want when I meditate. I’m always looking for that next gimmick to prove to myself that I’m so advanced and oh so spiritual. But meditation isn’t about tricks and magic, it’s about emptying the cup. It isn’t about the click of self-realization, but is about allowing yourself to be empty enough so that realization doesn’t happen, but is. Aristotle believed that every thing and one is in the process of becoming, and while I can understand this concept, it takes the future into consideration. It is waiting for something better. It’s waiting for the Cable Box to turn back on, when it doesn’t really matter.

What matters is the moment. The only one you have. And the peace and beauty in its nothingness.

Namaste.

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Visualize a beautiful path made of light and crystal that leads from God to you.

7 months into my Triple Goddess Experiment, and I come back to something that my coach told me when I started-“If you are experiencing a lack of money, it is because you are blocking it.” I recognize the truth in this as I recognize that this pertains to all things, not just money.

I felt tired this morning, exhausted even, and when I took a moment to meditate, it became apparent to me that I’d been blocking my connection to God. For example, imagine our connection to God is a highway. My highway to God has been a one way road, and I’ve been buying my thoughts and desires a one-way ticket down that road sending them to God. Putting the little mind in the big mind and all that. One road out of my mind with no way into it. Energy from God cannot enter into me if there is no road for it to travel. Nothing can; so, if I don’t either build another highway or turn the one that’s there into a two-way street, then I stay depleted. I need to receive and let the big mind enter into the little mind. I must work on a connection to God that goes both ways. I’ve always been a better giver than receiver, but to truly experience God, I must bring her and all she offers into my life. I must learn to receive ALL that she has to offer.

So, I’ll be working on some visualizations of a beautiful path made of light and crystal that leads from God to me. I will see God’s greatest gifts passing along this path and entering into my Auric field, energy, and mind. I will see them filling me up, and I will express gratitude for them. So it is.

Namaste.

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Yoga- focusing on the outward expression of my inward journey.

I took a yoga class yesterday, and woke up with a very sore neck today. Last week a took a class at the gym as well, and my body hurt for a few days after. When I took my classes on the internet or just by myself, I never injured myself. Maybe I felt a little sore, but never like I had extended beyond what was good for me. So, these group classes are very challenging, and I’m thinking that I need to pay ultra attention to how my body is feeling while I’m in each pose. I have modified some poses, but apparently I’m taking it too far.

I wonder why these classes are so strenuous. Although I know yoga can be difficult, I am feeling like there is too much emphasis on “gotta get a workout in” mentality in Los Angeles, especially at this gym. I would really like to find classes that focus on meditation, strengthen and lengthen without the GRRRR factor. Doesn’t the Grrrr sorta put me more into my bullshit, rather than keeping the focus inward and towards God? I really want to focus on the outward expression of my inward journey. Well now that I know where I want to go with it, it should be easier finding a road to get me there.

Namaste.

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Lord Ganesh to the rescue, but where was Yogananda?

Evil spirits kept after me in my dreams last night. They attacked; I could feel the energy and pressure of their astral bodies against me. I was terrified, and struggled against them, but they were invisible and powerful. I fought.

Bryan woke me up because I was struggling in the bed against them, moaning out loud. I was afraid to go back to sleep. I imagined Yogananda with me and grabbed my necklace my brother had made for me for Christmas- a picture of Yogananda encased in gold- from the night stand.

I fell back asleep and the onslaught continued. I fought and cried and begged for help from my guru. I couldn’t find him in my dream. I battled, and I felt the evil, invisible pressure. Finally, in my dream, a wooden sculpture of Lord Ganesh appeared in my hands, and I quickly hung it on the wall. When I did, the evil spirits immediately left my dream.

I am grateful for Lord Ganesh protecting me. Ganesh used to scare me; I felt revulsion towards him, but he kept appearing in my life. People would buy me statues of him-my brother would tease me and hang a sculpture of him on his wall when he knew I was coming over. Finally, I read his story and loved him, but I have not thought of him in many years. There is a connection between Lord Ganesh and me; I’m sure now.

But where was my guru, Yogananda? Did he send Ganesh to me, or did Ganesh come on his own? I’m confused and feel abandoned. Please, if anyone can help me understand why Ganesh came instead of Yogananda, I’d appreciate your ideas about this.

Namaste.

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Slow down and Listen.

“Timing is everything. There is a tide in the affairs of men which when taken at the flood leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries.”
~Julius Caesar, written by William Shakespeare.

Yes, because to force a thing when all else is not in place curls expectations around a fist and shatters everything around you when exerted upon your will. Preparing for what you want to create in your life-right and positive thinking, meditation, physical care are all mute if you do not act in appropriate timing. To know when to push forward and when to sit back takes patience, trust, and faith.

I, for a long time, didn’t understand this concept. If I didn’t see what I wanted right away, I feared it would never come. So, I acted impatiently and reacted to a situation from lack of clarity and lack of faith that an answer would reveal itself in the proper time. I was too busy sputtering in frustration to really listen for an answer.

The Triple Goddess Experiment has changed that for me. I am quieter, softer and more trusting. I listen.

And I am grateful.

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Ask God.

It’s been three days. No blog. No meditation. No yoga. It’s the reverse trinity. The 666 of the Triple Goddess Experiment. And it feels like shit.

Because living everyday with meditation, yoga and creating the life I want in my thoughts makes me feel connected to all aspects to myself. The truth is that I’ve been extremely busy-I didn’t have a day off work of some sort in almost two weeks. I’ve been massaging, taking care of the baby…which is now over, and most excitingly been working on a potential account for Talbotgraphix. We are trying to lock down a client to a contract with a six month retainer that would bring in an extra $500 a month for both Bryan and I. So, it’s been a big deal…and it’s not done yet. We meet with the hotshot on Friday and pitch video ideas. We feel like Samantha and Darren off to meet with Mr. Tate. It could potentially propel us into better and bigger accounts-I gotta take that ticket.

Yet, of course, there’s a lack of balance in this way of living, but I knew it was going to be like this for a few weeks while jobs overlapped. And, frankly, it felt good to work again instead of always looking for work. Yes. My self-esteem is somewhat tied into my job and ability to care for myself. Well, it’s all a process isn’t it?

So, now I sink back into balance. I’ve been resting all day, and even slept for two and a half hours. I will do my yoga after dinner and meditate before bed. It’ll feel good. I already know it. This really is my life now-the triple goddess way of life. You know how I know? Because it just feels wrong to do anything else.

And I just read a passage from my guru. He says to place trust in God. So, I will do that tonight. I will meditate and when I feel communion with her, I will ask. I will ask. And I will find all of myself again.

Namaste.

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